


Evangelical Evolution For The Lovers and Dreamers

by gabzebo (orphan_account)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bisexual Richie Tozier, Character Study, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Gay Disaster Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Good Parents Maggie & Wentworth Tozier, M/M, Minor Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Minor Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Oblivious Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 31,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24219418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/gabzebo
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak moves to Derry, Maine in 1981- it's the start of his first real adventure. And for him, it's going to be one hell of a ride- he just needs to find the words to say it.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 16
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

_Prologue._

_By the time you read this, I won’t even know your name._

_Today I’m leaving this shitty town, and our shitty lives, and our shitty school. I’m leaving, and I wish I could say I didn’t care. I’m leaving and it doesn’t matter that I love you because there isn’t a single wretched thing that we can change about this._

_I’m leaving you, Richie. I’m leaving your stupid messy hair and your stupid dreamy eyes, and your stupid bony fingers. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’m leaving your stupid hawiian shirts and your too-big glasses, and your shitty smelling cologne that doesn’t even work because I can still smell the winstons underneath. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_I think it’s all so stupid because I love you._

_I can’t fucking believe that I’m leaving. I can’t fucking believe that by the time you see this I’ll be halfway to New York. I can’t fucking believe that I couldn’t tell you this to your face._

_I’m leaving the people I loved, the memories I loved, and I’m leaving the houses you all built in my heart. I’m leaving every star you stuck on my ceiling, every dam we ever tried and failed to build, every ice cream I ever stole from you, every word you helped me sound out. I’m leaving every time I have ever wanted to kiss you, and the times that I actually did._

_I hope that I remember you, I certainly won’t remember myself. I hope that I remember every stupid freckle on your stupid face and every eyelash of yours we ever wished on. I want to remember everything about you. I hope that I remember you, Richie Tozier. Please remember every time you held my hand or kissed my cheek or looked at me with those big bug eyes. Please remember every fake love affair you had with my mom and every time I couldn’t help but smile. Store those memories somewhere in that (genius) airhead of yours and keep them safe for me._

_I want to remember a world where I could have told you this to your face and not have been terrified. I want to remember a world where we could have been us. I want to remember a world where I never left, but we never lived here._

_By the time you read this, I won’t know your name, but I’ll never not remember._


	2. Eddie Kaspbrak Goes on An Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak hates Derry, Maine- and he just moved in. However, when he meets his first friend in 1981- he thinks it might not be so bad. He thinks- this might be the start of an adventure.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Goes On An Adventure- March 1981

**I hope that I remember you, I certainly won’t remember myself.**

_-1980-_

_“Hey kiddo, come sit! Your movie is on!”_

_“ ‘Eally Papa? My movie?”_

_“Yup, look Eddie, there’s your green buddy right now!”_

_Eddie raced to sit on his father’s lap eagerly, as he couldn’t miss this. The Muppets, right on his TV, you bet your fur! He settled into the small Eddie shaped void in the couch, that in his three and a half years of life, he had gotten well adjusted to. Eddie had also gotten well adjusted to the general warmth of Frank Kaspbrak, both metaphorically and literally. Frank was a kind man, with a warm and radiant smile that Eddie himself had already acquired. Frank was a man who could make himself present in every room, while simultaneously giving everyone their fair share of spotlight. One could say that Frank Kaspbrak was what made their little two story house in Florida, a home._

_“Papa, what’s a ‘ainbow?” Eddie asked, as he had heard Kermit singing “Rainbow Connection”, and grown inquisitive._

_“Well, a rainbow,” Frank Kaspbrak started, with an emphasis on the “R” that made Eddie giggle, “Is a really special thing that shows up in the sky after it rains, kiddo. It’s like, after the sky is sad, and the sun comes out, it makes itself happy with a rainbow.”_

_“Wow Papa! That’s so cool! When can I see a ‘ainbow?”_

_“Not sure, Eddie, we’ll just need to wait and see. Someday we’ll find it, I bet. Now pipe down kiddo, you want to watch Froggy, dontcha?”_

_“ ‘Is name is Kermit, silly!”_

_Frank just chuckled in response, accenting the sound with a ruffle of Eddie’s hair, which made the small boy scooch further into the man beside him._

\------

There were certainly no rainbows in Derry, Maine, Eddie saw. Derry was colored in tones of grey, every tree and building looking as if the life had been sucked out of it, or had rotted away years ago. Eddie didn’t know how any god could convince his mother to come here, of all places, searching for salvation. It probably didn’t help that he had never understood God, or talked to him like his mother had. The lack of communication was _supposed _to worry him, but he had never been too keen on talking to someone who wasn’t his father anyway. So, by the looks of it, nothing happy would ever occur in Derry, and this was something he would now have to live with. Eddie Kaspbrak, at four years old, was already having the worst day of his life, and maybe the worst humanly possible. Gee, thanks God.__

__

__“Oh Edward, don’t look so sad sweetie. We’re almost home, that’s exciting, right? You know this was for the best.” Sonia Kaspbrak said in that familiar sickly sweet tone, and probably mirroring something she had heard from the Big Man himself. However, what worried Eddie, is that his mother didn’t even sound convinced by her own sentiment. His hands started to feel around in his pockets, instinctively looking for his aspirator, but he came up empty. Eddie considered asking his mother where it was, or even if she was okay, but his brain must have made other plans._ _

__

__“Yeah, I guess Mama, but where’s Papa?”_ _

__

__“Honey, I told you about this, your father is in a special place now.” Sonia replied, trying to keep her eyes on the road as opposed to the rearview mirror._ _

__

__“But where’s that? I wanna see ‘im. Why couldn’t he come with us, Mama?” Eddie continued, he wanted answers, even if he knew prodding at his mother’s iron exterior would get him nowhere._ _

__

__“Edward, he has passed on. I’ve told you this. Now, stop asking, Mommy has to keep her eyes on the road. I can’t focus with all of your questions. You don’t want me to crash the car, do you, Eddie-Bear?”_ _

__

__“No Mama, ‘M sorry” Eddie replied, defeated. His Papa would know what to do if he were here, and Eddie found himself wishing he knew what to do too. Maybe, he would even ask God._ _

__

__“As you should be, Edward.”_ _

__

__The silence that followed created a wall between the front and back seat. Eddie just looked out the window, as he figured he wouldn’t get any more words out of his mother for the rest of the ride. His short attention span kept him focused on the raindrops on the other side of the glass, of which he imagined were racing. Eddie was rooting for the left one, but the right had reached the bottom faster._ _

__

__He wished he could race like that sometimes, just run away like his life depended on his little feet hitting the pavement. Eddie had been lectured again and again on how he was too weak to run for that long, or how he would race himself to an asthma attack faster than he would a finish line, but a small part of him always wanted to test that theory. To run away, or to run toward something, he didn’t know, but he didn’t think it would matter as long as he was _running.__ _

__

__Shifting his attention to something new again, deciding that raindrop races were too boring, and that his dreams of running were too far fetched, he looked out at his surroundings. Eddie saw an old looking bridge, and in the flash that he saw of it, it looked used, maybe even carved on. Though obviously aged, the bridge looked the one thing that possibly retained life in Derry. He didn’t know why his thoughts seemed to have wrapped themselves around the bridge, like a boa to a mouse, but his mind was producing infinite questions about it._ _

__

___‘Why were there letters in it? How do people do that? Isn’t it silly to put wood right next to a road? Wait, did I see a heart on there? Or was it a circle? Papa would know.’ ____ _

____ _ _

____Eddie must have had zoned out, as the next thing he heard was the car coming to a stop._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Edward, we’re here. Now, help me bring some things in sweetie.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“ ‘Kay Mama.” Eddie replied, brain on autopilot as he was still thinking about the mysterious bridge, even though he wouldn’t think twice about taking his mother's orders anyway._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____While Eddie was stuck carrying things out of the car and into the house, he noticed the rain start to slow, and the sun take its place. He could faintly hear kids starting to emerge from their homes, and relish the golden rays while they lasted. From first impression, Eddie had guessed Derry wasn’t frequent to good weather, as the whole town had previously looked like one of those silent films his mother watched.____

___\------_ _ _

___“Mom puh-please? There’s a kuh-kid over there! Muh-maybe we c-can go say hi!” Bill Denbrough asked his mother, pointing to the house across the street, bare feet placed in the dewy grass. It wasn’t often that Derry, Maine had seen a new face, and Bill would do anything for some attention right about now. Between his mother’s due date running at them full speed, and the constant need to buy “baby things”, Bill Denbrough was grasping at straws for something, or someone, to occupy him. And the weather of course, was never good, always too wet with a flood, or too dry with a drought. Now, he had a kid to play with, _and_ good weather._  
_  
_

____ _ _

____Eddie Kaspbrak, of course, knew nothing of the sort. So, when he had gotten tapped on the shoulder and whipped around to see another boy, he froze, as stiff as the bridge he had seen earlier. Before speaking, he had turned back around to see his mother talking to what looked to be the boy’s parents. Figuring that was enough conformation, Eddie turned back around again, and faced the boy, who had still been wearing the same radiant expression. He thought the boy looked nice enough- bright, shining smile, pale blue eyes. He thought for a second, that the boy was pretty cool- without the "cool” attached, but he swiped the notion away quickly, faster than he could even close that big book his mother gave him sometimes._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Huh-hi there! Muh-my name is Bill. I luh-luh-live right over there,” He said, pointing to his house briefly, and then getting back to conversation. “Can wuh-we be friends?”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Uhh,” Eddie hesitated. Bill must mean business, Eddie thought, as he was getting right into Friend Territory, something that was foreign to him._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Sure, and, My name is Eddie.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Eddie found himself immediately stricken by the boy- not even just with the way he talked. When he looked at Bill, he felt an overwhelming sense of home, of comfort, though that wasn’t something he could yet put a word to. Seeing Bill, with his big blue eyes and shaggy auburn hair, he could feel the impending feeling of a long friendship ahead. In short, Bill Denbrough was very overwhelming. Eddie Kaspbrak wanted to be friends with Bill Denbrough._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Little did he know, today was the start of his first real adventure._ _ _ _   



	3. Eddie Kaspbrak and The Later Algators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has a best friend. And, he doesn't need anything else right? He thinks so. He's almost sure.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and The Later Algators- August 1981

**...the memories I loved,**

“Billy watch out! There’s algators!” Eddie exclaimed, mocking a scared tone. “They could eat ‘cha! You better jump quick!”

“I’m tuh-trying Eds! Why can’t you buh-build a bridge so I can guh-guh-get over!”

“You think I have that kinda' time Denbrough? No! Just get over ‘ere and stop being a scaredy-cat!” 

Eddie Kaspbrak had been waiting for what seemed like _years_ on the other side of the alligator-infested river, waiting for Bill to man up and jump over. He was surprised it had taken this long- even _he_ wasn’t afraid of the algators. He almost had the idea of jumping back over, and telling Bill that the algators weren’t actually real, but he decided he would just wait for Bill. Always waiting.

The aforementioned river the two were playing in, was just a small pond in the Denbrough’s backyard where Sharon Denbrough could often find Bill and Eddie playing pretend. Their backyard was nothing much to an outsider's eye, but to Eddie, it was magical, the wide open, green space different to his own backyard- if he even had one. Eddie wasn’t allowed outside at his own house, as his mother had told him it was “dirty” and he was “allergic”. He didn’t know what the latter meant, but he could guess it was bad. Eddie was even lucky he could go in the Denbrough’s backyard, but he never questioned if his mother even knew he was doing so. 

Anyway, today Bill and Eddie were explorers in the safari, on an expedition- of which the purpose was unknown, and explorers didn’t get allergic, and were probably allowed in the backyard.

Over their short six months of knowing each other and becoming friends, the two had become inseparable, joined at the hip- whatever may have you. Even so, it had always felt like something was missing for the duo, Eddie just didn’t know what, or _who._

\------

“A-ha! Tuh-take that, pesky gators! Stuh-still no match for Eds and Buh-Billy!” Bill yelled in triumph. So much for the alligators, no explorers for dinner tonight.

“Boys! Can you pause playtime for just a minute, lunch is ready! And Eddie, your mother called,” at that, Eddie groaned, and Sharon Denbrough herself sighed, “-and you are to be picked up at 1:30, just to warn you two.”

“Oh-okay Ma! We’ll make sure Eh-Eddie is all packed up!” Bill yelled back.

Well, that foiled Eddie’s plans of trying to stay. He really didn’t want to go home- he wanted to forget about his medications and doctor visits and his _mommy_ for just a little longer- he wanted to stay in the Denbrough’s magical backyard forever. He quickly checked if he was crying- not wanting to do so in front of Bill, and luckily found that he hadn’t been. Eddie wiped the invisible tears away quickly, still thinking about his mother and dreading going back home. He didn’t notice Bill start to make his way to the front door.

“Cuh-coming?”

“Oh, uh, yeah Billy!” Eddie replied, hoping it was a good enough save. It must have been, as Bill didn’t question any further.

The two boys walked on, along the side of the house up to the front door. Entering the Denbrough’s house was always comforting to Eddie, like home, similar to how he felt about the stuttering boy beside him- not his own place of residency. Ever since March, when they had first befriended each other, Bill’s parents had taken quite a liking to him, and welcomed him as if he was just another Denbrough. The thought of being a Denbrough had always made Eddie squeamish, but he didn’t know if that was for a reason good or bad. 

Eddie had decided early on that he had loved Bill Denbrough, with as much as a four-year-old knew about love, but he had always sensed there was more room in his heart- he just didn’t know what for. 

He looked up to Bill, as something of a hero. He expected Bill to do the saving, because Bill Denbrough would always be there to do it. Bill Denbrough was reliable, and he was like Eddie Kaspbrak’s own personal hero. However, that was the thing- Eddie found it hard to see Bill in an equal light of how he saw himself, like just another kid. Bill was strong and heroic, and importantly, a leader. Eddie though, was most certainly not. 

Eddie Kaspbrak was a follower, through and through, someone to be protected. He had grown up to know it, between the constant reprimands and the pills, his mother made sure that he knew he was fragile every day, and Mommy was always right. So, Eddie never thought to question it. But, Bill Denbrough was strong. Though maybe not to his knowledge, Bill made Eddie feel strong, or needed, or even loved. Upon thought, Eddie saw Bill Denbrough similarly to how he saw his father. They both had and do have their own type of light to bring to a room. Not like a lamp, or like the sun, but something that was their own. Something, that when shined on weak, fragile Eddie Kaspbrak, made him feel nothing of the sort. With the help of Frank Kaspbrak, and now Bill Denbrough, Eddie had a chance to feel brave, even if someone would be there to do the saving. Maybe he didn’t need to run away anymore- or at least, run alone.

\------

Bill and Eddie took their respective places at the Denbrough’s dining table, Bill at the head, and Eddie right next to him on the side. Sharon came over with two plates, both with sandwiches and chips for the two.

“Thuh-thanks Ma! Cuh-can I have s-some water?” Bill spoke out between bites of his sandwich.

“Sure hon. Eddie, do you want anything to drink while I’m near the fridge dear?” Sharon said, already getting two cups out from the cabinet, and walking her way over to the refrigerator. 

“Uh, yeah, sure. Can I have some apple juice? And, thanks for the sandwidges Mrs. Denbrough, these are real good!” Eddie asked, making sure to capitalize on his politeness.

“Of course dear,” Sharon laughed, partly at Eddie’s etiquette, since that wasn’t frequent around her own home, but mostly at the smaller boy’s mispronunciation. By that time, she was already grabbing the juice from the fridge. 

She came back shortly, setting the two cups on the table.

“Hey, boys, so are you excited for school soon?” Sharon questioned. “I hear Kindergarten is pretty fun!”

Eddie had almost forgotten that he would be going to school in less than a month, and it seemed Bill had too, as he had stopped chewing on his last bite, and had looked up to face his mother. Before the Kaspbraks’ big move, Eddie had been dreading Kindergarten. Now though, he was ready to face it, as long as Bill was beside him.

“I mean, I’m kinda ‘cited.” Eddie had responded, looking down at the table. Sharon hadn’t seemed to notice the change in the boy’s demeanor and just smiled at him. 

“Yuh-yeah, I’m eh-excited too Ma. I can’t wuh-wait to make some new friends!”

“Yeah, that, that too Billy.” Eddie replied reluctantly, his hands nearing his pockets. 

In all honesty, that was the part Eddie was dreading- making new friends. He had Bill, and Bill had him- that was all he needed, right? 

Before Derry, Eddie hadn’t had many friends, just his papa. Sonia had sheltered him, reasoning that an excessive amount of people wasn’t good for him- he was small, weak, fragile. So, small, weak, and fragile Eddie Kaspbrak had strong-willed, hero, and leader Bill Denbrough to protect him, to be his friend. With Bill, Eddie would settle, because Bill was more than enough, he thought. 

Eddie Kaspbrak could and very well _would_ say “See ya’ later algator!” to anyone he may meet in stupid Kindergarten. The thought of Bill Denbrough may not fill the whole of his heart, but he would make it fit. He was sure of it.


	4. Eddie Spaghetti Meets His Match

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first day kindergarten, and Eddie Kaspbrak is not ready. That is, until, he becomes Eddie Spaghetti.

### Eddie Spaghetti Meets His Match- September 1981

**Please remember every time you held my hand or kissed my cheek or looked at me with those big bug eyes.**

Eddie Kaspbrak, trailing slightly behind Bill Denbrough, who was in Eddie’s defense, “walking too fast!”, were about to enter school for the first time.

To be quite frank, Eddie was not at all excited.

Ever since Eddie had remembered that Kindergarten had existed, and learned of Bill’s goal to make some new friends, he had acquired an urge to eradicate the grade altogether, and maybe even school itself. Eddie had known to some extent what it was like to be pushed to the side, to be someone's second choice, and he was not about to feel it again.

Even the room looked intimidating, all bright, blinding colors, and kids roaming about. He suddenly was aware of how many germs would be in the room along with the other children, and felt a sense of weariness wash over him.

“Yuh-you okay Eh-Eds?” Bill asked, not even sounding slightly fazed by the chaos awaiting them.

“Yeah Bill, let’s go. It can’t be too bad. It’s just kids, right? Just kids and germs and germs with kids, and-” 

Bill cut off his rambling before it could spiral any further. This was something he had grown quite familiar with over their seven months of friendship.

“Eh-Eddie, it’s alruh-right. Just, I’ll be huh-here, okay?”

“Yeah, you know what? It’s fine, we’ll be okay. Come on Billy.” Eddie assured, mostly for himself. He ushered Bill over to the rest of the kids, hoping that the closer he got, the more okay it would get. 

It was not okay in the slightest.

\------

Eddie decided to sit down near a pile of blocks, as it seemed to be the least populated area. Bill had seemed to have wandered off, but that was fine, Eddie could do this on his own. He didn’t need fearless leader Bill Denbrough to get through a few hours of playing with blocks, right? He tried his best to convince himself of the fact, but found it to do more harm than good. 

_‘Whatever, it’s fine, ‘totally fine, you bet’_ Eddie thought. It didn’t take very long, maybe a few minutes, for another kid to come over and join him. By that time, Eddie had already built a fairly tall tower, about up to his knees if he was standing- out of wooden building blocks.

“What’cha buildin’, partner?” The kid asked, and Eddie found himself chuckling slightly at the voice.

“Why do you sound like that? And, it’s a tower.” He replied, still not looking away from his pile of blocks, trying to carefully place them on the tower.

“Well, can I help? I’m Richie, by the way, Richie Tozier.” The boy said enthusiastically, and in what seemed like a normal tone. Eddie had not even seen this kid, but boy, was he fascinated by his strange demeanor. With that, he turned around, careful to not knock over his tower. 

Facing the boy, Eddie realized, was not a wise decision. Immediately, he was drawn to Richie. He first saw the boys’ radiant smile, which on the surface, outshined his own. His two front teeth were very present in his grin, almost obnoxiously so, but Eddie couldn’t look away. Every feature on the boy was oversized, his nose, his hair, his clothes, and most evidently, his eyes, which were magnified greatly by his thick glasses. Richie Tozier was an odd specimen, to put it lightly. Richie was nothing like Bill Denbrough, and from what Eddie was feeling, that was very apparent. When seeing Richie, Eddie didn’t see someone bathed in a halo of golden light, someone akin to a savior. Richie was just a normal kid, well, normal- _ish_ at best from what Eddie could see. Eddie felt the same immediate sense of friendship, as he had felt with Bill Denbrough months previous, but something about Richie seemed to have more weight to it. The boy was effectively confusing, Eddie thought, but he found himself wanting to find out why.

So, Eddie Kaspbrak, confused, yet very intrigued, scooched over to make room.

“Here, uh, here’s my pile ’a blocks, just put ‘em wherever, just don’t knock down the tower, ‘kay?” Eddie said sheepishly, looking down at the foam puzzle flooring.

“Sure thing, and what’s your name? I’m afraid I haven’t had the pleasure of hearing.” Richie said, now adopting what Eddie could guess was a futile attempt at a British accent.

“My name is Eddie, uh, nice to meet you, Richie.” Eddie replied, again laughing slightly at Richie’s voice. He figured Richie did this a lot- change up his voice, but he didn’t know why he would, he liked Richie’s normal voice just fine.

“Eddie Spaghetti, wonderful!” Richie exclaimed, once again beaming. He had picked up a block, and was looking at the tower for somewhere to place it.

“Hey! Not my name! Just work on the tower!” Eddie bit back, defensive, yet laughing. 

For a while, the two worked on their tower, bickering back and forth. Eddie was very rapidly realizing that his dynamic and relationship with Richie was certainly different than it was with Bill, but he found himself not minding the fact as much as he thought he would. The boys took breaks every once in a while when called over by their teacher, who was asking them questions to get to know them. Neither of the boys put too much thought into their answers, preoccupied with each other. Occasionally, Richie would purposely answer with a horrible joke, in an attempt to make Eddie laugh, which the other boy didn’t want to admit- he succeeded in. Their teacher quickly noticed their antics, and even sooner realized that with Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier, she would have her work cut out for her.

Throughout the rest of the day, the boys had gotten to know each other a little better, asking questions and finding out new things, along with annoying each other immensely. Eddie had learned that dinosaur nuggets even existed, and that they were Richie’s favorite food. That caused Richie to declare that when he eventually invited Eddie over to his house, they would “feast like kings on dino nuggets”, which Eddie had no problem with. Eddie had also learned that Richie had another friend, Stanley, who seemed to be like his own Bill. That made Eddie think, where was Bill, exactly? And, was it bad that Eddie had gotten close to forgetting him throughout the day? Though, he was soon reassured when Richie had pointed out that a boy of Bill’s description, (which was very much Bill Denbrough), was hanging out with the aforementioned Stanley.

As the school day came to a close, Eddie and Richie had built a tower almost as tall as the latter, which astounded both of them.

“Teamwork!” Richie yelled in triumph, causing other kids to look over, and for Eddie to look up to him and giggle.

“Yeah, teamwork. Thanks a lot, Richie.”

“You're very welcome, Eddie Spaghetti! Certainly my pleasure!” The boy responded, bringing back the British voice. He accented the gesture with a bow, and a shove of his glasses to prevent them from falling. Eddie looked at all of this in amusement, and even saw it as a little endearing.

“Don’t call me Eddie ‘Scetti!” Eddie yelled, which caused Richie to laugh out wildly. Eddie would have considered it one of the best things he had ever heard, if he wasn’t the one being laughed at.

“Eddie ‘Scetti! What a riot!” Richie exclaimed, leaning down in the slightest to pinch Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie could have sworn he heard Richie saying “Cute, cute, cute” under his breath, but he was too focused looking at the boy’s muddy and magnified eyes.

\------

The boys lined up for dismissal, meeting up with Bill and Stan, and filling each other in on the day that they had had. Partway through Bill’s explanation on how he made Stan a plastic breakfast of a salad and what he could assume was pizza, Richie interjected.

“Oh, I can see my ma’s car outside! Well, I must be off ‘Scetti, I wish you farewell! Oh yeah, you too Staniel and Big Bill! May we meet again tomorrow!” Richie said, while obnoxiously waving goodbye, putting too much attention on himself.

“What an idiot,” Stan said, smiling.

“I a-actually think he’s kuh-kinda cool. He’s funny.” Bill responded, looking over to Eddie for a confirmation.

Though Eddie didn’t respond, deep down, he knew Richie was cool too, and maybe even a little more. Eddie Kaspbrak had really met his match.


	5. Eddie Kaspbrak and His Best Spelling Test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak can't spell for the life of him. But- he thinks he wants to test that theory for two reasons. Two totally, unknown reasons.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and His Best Spelling Test- November 1984

**..every word you helped me sound out.**

To put it lightly, Eddie Kaspbrak couldn’t spell.

Well, that was an overstatement, he _could_ spell, Richie Tozier was just mean- and smarter than him. Somehow.

How that happened, Eddie would never know, but that wasn’t what mattered currently. What mattered exactly, was the upcoming spelling test Friday, which Eddie was absolutely sure he would ace. He had been skipping all of this week’s afterschool Core Four hangouts, much to his mother's delight. Sonia had been desperately waiting for an opportunity to hold Eddie captive for the past month, and spend time with him watching some soap opera or game show about god knows what. Eddie didn’t know what was so enthralling about either, nor why she would think he would want to accompany her, but yet again- that didn’t matter. 

What mattered was studying. Eddie had been doing that very thing all week, and he wouldn’t let up now. On the surface, Eddie just wanted to get a better grade than Richie, or even one slightly comparable to his, but really, Eddie found himself wanting to prove to Richie that he was in fact- smart in some way. He couldn’t place why his image according to Richie Tozier was so important to himself, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted a place to put it anyway.

“Come in Eds! It’s me, your favorite and very bestest friend! Over!” 

Eddie jumped at the sound, forgetting he hadn’t turned his walkie talkie off. Well, now he would need to deal with _that._ He got up from his desk chair and grabbed it off of his bed. Eddie sighed and spoke into it.

“One, don’t call me Eds, I hate it when you do that Richie. Two, you aren’t my favorite, you might even be my least favorite. And three, I’m studying! Over!”, Eddie huffed out, already exhausted by the boy listening. Well that, or exhausted by the immense amount of lies he had just told, as only one thing he had said previously was true, and that was the studying. Though Eddie was about the last one to know on Earth, Richie Tozier was very much his favorite friend, maybe even favorite person. Along with that, he very much did not hate it when Richie called him “Eds”, but he would deny the color that rose to his cheeks due to the name, likely for the rest of his life.

Eddie Kaspbrak was only in third grade, and was already a world-class liar, and one that wasn’t even able to spell.

\------

Oh boy, today was the day.

Eddie had kept up with his compulsive studying all week, much to Richie's dismay, but he had been convincing himself all week that a 100% was more satisfactory than a few extra “Eddie Spaghetti’s”.

Eddie had walked into his classroom, feeling like the best speller on planet Earth, but as soon as he had sat down at his desk, the panic started to set in.

_‘What if I didn’t study enough? What if I get a word like, I don’t know, birthday? What if I put the I before the E after C? It’s except C, right? I before E except after C? Why do they all rhyme? What if-’_

“Woah Spaghetti man, you good? You look, uh, not good- you see a ghost, Eds?” Richie questioned. If Eddie convinced himself enough, he could say that there was a hint of concern in Richie’s gaze.

“Yeah Rich, ‘M fine.” Eddie huffed out, mind still swimming in doubt.

“Sure Eduardo, let’s see how fine you are when I absolutely crush this test!” Richie replied offhandedly, not even really putting much thought into the response. Eddie didn’t really put much thought into it either, Richie could see, as the smaller boy kept his gaze on his desk, possibly not even hearing.

Richie tapped him on the shoulder, because if he was useful for anything, it was talking, only second to eating. However, the latter didn’t matter right now.

“Hey, uh, Eds,” Richie said, in a tone much softer than usual for the trashmouth. “-uh, good luck. You studied all week, I’m sure you’ll do great. Not as good as me I’ll bet, but pretty damn good.” He finished, grinning slightly. It formed into a full out Richie Tozier Radiant Smile when he saw Eddie look up, and flash a grin of his own.

“Thanks, Rich.” Eddie replied, still grinning slightly.

“Class, get to your seats, chop chop, let’s get our spelling on!”

\------

Eddie couldn’t believe it, he had actually gotten a 100%. He even spelled “birthday” right, yesirre.

He would now only accept the title, Eddie Kaspbrak, Speller Extraordinaire, with no exceptions. Well, if he only knew how to spell extraordinaire.

And this, he had told Richie Tozier, on their bus ride over to his house. Eddie had convinced Sonia to let him stay the night, as long as he called every two hours and was home by 1:00 the next day- at least it was something.

“Eat that, Rich! What did you get, huh?” Eddie exclaimed, showing him his paper, which was even adorned with a little star sticker.

“Well, I also got a 100%, if you would like to know, Mr. Spaghetti Man, but I’m not sure if your brain can even handle that!” Richie yelled back out, loudly laughing all the while.

“Oh, I’ll show you what your brain can’t-” 

“I said your brain, not _my_ brain!”

“Hmph, whatever.” 

The bus had then come to a halt, and with a quick glance out the window, Richie realized they were at his stop.

The boys clambered out of the seat, running through the aisle and down the small stairs. With no hesitation, the boys sped to the door, in a mad dash to be the first one to open it. The purpose of the competition was unknown, but Eddie thought he had an idea when he looked ahead to see Maggie Tozier.

“Hi boys! What’s got you two in such a rush?” She laughed, still looking at them as if they were the best gift the world could give to her- which she firmly believed.

The Tozier’s had always been welcoming to Eddie- they seemed to love having a child around who _didn’t_ wreak havoc, and could even wrangle the source of it. Upon entering, Eddie could feel the warmth and love washing over him of the house, it was cozy and lived in, and made him feel at _home._ Now, he thought the Denbrough’s were fond of him, but the Tozier’s were a whole different story. Wentworth and Maggie were the parents he could have only wished of having- always there to cheer him on and encourage him, ask him about his day, and give him a place to feel free- which he rarely ever felt. And even though he loved them dearly- not so secretly more than his own mother, Eddie wished he didn’t need to seek out someone else's parents to do that for him. Eddie had always wondered how a kid like Richie could be so loving, as well as so lovely, though he would not tell a soul about the latter. However, coming from parents like his, he knew for sure. 

“Hey, Maggie!” Eddie said, still catching his breath. “We had a spelling test today!”

“Oh, The Great Spelling Test!” Maggie exclaimed, putting unneeded emphasis on the event. “I’ve heard _all_ about it, I’ve needed to deal with Richie and his complaints about it all week. How’d you do dear?”

“Here!” Eddie said, grabbing the paper out of his bag. He expected Richie to do the same, and to race to show his mother his own 100, but he just stood back and watched.

“Ta-da! Look, I got a 100 Mags!”

Before Maggie could respond, Richie jutted in.

“Yeah, ‘ya see Ma? We got a regular genius on our hands. “Eddie Spaghetti Kaspbrak, _Speller Extraordinaire_ ,” he says! Get a load of _this guy!_ ” Richie exclaimed, pointing wildly. The boy then decided to calm his gestures as much as he could- being Richie Tozier, and he settled on linking arms with Eddie.

“That’s amazing Eddie! For once, my other boy is right! Should we put this on the fridge?” Maggie questioned, a proud look of adoration clear in her eyes.

“Yeah!” The two boys said in unison, arms still surprisingly linked. They followed Maggie in tow over to the fridge and watched her put it up nice and high, with a frog magnet and everything.

Both Toziers looked adoringly at Eddie, who was hiding his face, looking down to stifle his pride. For once, with Richie around, Eddie was getting all of the attention, and even in Richie’s opinion- that wasn’t a bad thing. No matter how many soap operas Eddie had needed to sit through this week, and how many hours he could have spent with the Core Four, nothing was more worth it than Maggie and Richie Tozier’s loving gazes. Nothing would ever compare to the day he aced his best spelling test.


	6. Eddie Kaspbrak and The Core Four Parkour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak and The Core Four go to the movies. It may or may not go as planned, and may or may not be absolutely fantastic.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and The Core Four Parkour- November 1986

**I’m leaving the people I loved,...**

Who’s idea was it to let four rampant children have a day to themselves on the town, Eddie would never know, but he would be damned if he said it wasn’t _fantastic._

Eddie Kaspbrak loved his three best friends dearly, and most certainly more than his actual family. In a way, the three were family, at least, chosen family. There was always something that struck Eddie a certain way about that word, _chosen._ Eddie didn’t get to choose a lot in his life, his options lined up like the little plastic pill bottles that sat on his dresser. But his friends didn't feel like a liability, like something dictated, they felt natural, and _right._ Richie, Stan, and Bill, were the one thing Eddie could choose in his life, and he was so grateful for it. Eddie would thank God for the three, but from how his mother made God sound- he was sure god had nothing to do with it.

So, when Richie Tozier had alerted him on his walkie talkie that three out of the quartet were going to raid the Capitol Theater of its goods- with the twenty dollars Richie had scored for allowance, Eddie knew he had to bring the Core Four to its name.

And that’s how they were here, watching the afternoon screening of “The Fly”, trying desperately not to get kicked out due to Richie’s big mouth, and Eddie’s need to respond to it.

“I’m just sayin’ Ed’s, the effects definitely are sub-par at best because-”

“Would you shut up Richie?” Stan hissed over the film, but remained calm and quiet. “If I don’t see how this movie ends, that _you_ paid for, I’ll show you some real effects. Now, I’m sure I’m saying this for the three of us here, beep-fucking-beep.” He finished, still remaining eerily calm. All parties knew Stan meant no real harm, just always having an annoyed parent attitude, but by the end of the speech- Eddie was trying to keep his Hi-C from coming out of his nose, and Bill was a blubbering, laughing mess.

“You two shut up as well, don’t think this is just his problem!” Stan reprimanded. He went back to muttering atrocities and insults under his breath, but it had been effective nonetheless, the trio shut up- only making noise when grabbing for popcorn or drinks.

Beep-fucking-Beep for sure, well played Stan the man. 

\------

It was halfway into the movie when Eddie Kaspbrak had single-handedly gotten the Core Four into a life or death situation.

In his defense, the small seats were cramped, and it didn’t help that Richie next to him, was practically taking up three, counting Eddie’s own. The boy was sprawled out wildly, taking up too much room for such a skinny kid. Richie was tall though- all long, not-grown-into limbs, always going every which way. But nonetheless, Eddie had no room. So, he had found it was only logical to kick his feet up and rest them on the top of the empty seat ahead, or so he thought. Due to the darkly lit room, Eddie hadn’t seen that the top of the seat (that was not yet home to his feet) was occupied by some stale, but lovingly buttered movie popcorn. By the time it was too late, the snack had knocked over, and fallen like buttery rain onto the seats below. 

“Shit! Oh, oh goddamn it Richie, why did you need to put the popcorn there!” Eddie hissed in a panic, trying to keep his voice as low as he could, in an effort to not decrease their chances of getting kicked out.

And, it was fair to say that he didn’t want to reveal his identity to whoever had just been showered in his and Richie’s popcorn.

“Well, I didn’t know you’d punt it off of the seat Ed’s! Fuck, who’s down there? I mean if it’s some old hag I could give less of a shit, but what if it's-”

“Bowers-” The four said in unison, realizing the possible death that could be awaiting them. The other two voices were a surprise to Richie and Eddie, as they had been briefly too preoccupied with their own likely demise to remember that Bill and Stan were present.

“Sh-shit guys. Muh-maybe we can juh-just w-wait out the ruh-rest of the movie? After this sh-shit is done, we cuh-can just book it?” Bill whispered his proposal, earning nods from the other three.

“Yeah,” Stan started, “-and if they come find us, we can just move our plan along a little faster. Oi, you idiots give me a headache, but I’d hate to see you die.” Stan accented the response with two fingers to his temple, a now signature gesture.

All parties nodded once again, and Richie was about to, of course, say something, when he was rudely cut off.

“Who the fuck? Who the _fuck,_ decided to throw this buttery shit on me?” A voice roared, and it was only one who could belong to Henry Bowers.

Great, just wonderful. They were really in for it now.

People in every direction whipped around, some that had gotten a small portion of the popcorn for themselves, and others just invested in the drama. Before any of the three could process the action, or even deter it, Richie yanked the disposable top off of his coke. 

“If you wanted to see a horror movie, you should’a just stayed home and looked in the mirror!” Richie yelled, pouring the soda straight on to all parties of the Bowers Gang.

“Shit guys, run! Fucking run you knuckleheads!” Eddie ushered, mostly pushing Richie along, but motioning for the other two, unless of course, they desired to be dead meat.

“You fairies are so fucking dead! Oh my god!” Henry cried out, he too, ushering out the rest of his gang.

The Core Four had much more of an advantage, as they were one of the aisles closest to the door. They ran out of the screening room, and straight down the hallway into the main area, not even letting their eyes adjust to the normal light. By the time they had reached the door, they could hear and see Bowers and his brutish crew gaining, so after making sure to not pull the push door- they were out.

“Holy fuck! Did you see the look on their faces? Priceless! They looked like feral apes!” Richie barked out in laughter.

“You're the only feral ape here, Richard.” Stan responded, completely deadpan and still running.

“Here uh, turn this corner guys! If we get far enough down the alley, we can just run through the woods and hide in the bushes!” Eddie commanded, for once his random knowledge of direction coming in handy.

The four did just what he had said, and seemingly had lost all sight of the Bowers Gang. Not to jinx themselves, but they were all damn sure they were free.

“Thuh-Thanks Ed’s. You suh-saved us.” Bill said, patting him on the shoulder, and wincing when he got scratched by what he thought was a thorn.

“Yeah, thanks a million Eds Spagheds, without you, we’d be chopped liver!” Richie exclaimed too loudly for the situation they were in. The taller boy, being so close to Eddie, made an impulse decision to kiss the boy’s cheek quite extravagantly. The action earned a groan from the other two, but Eddie had just pushed him off rather forcefully, blushing all the while. And for the rest of time, Eddie would never know why he wanted him to do it again.

Well, the day’s outing certainly wasn’t the dinner and a show any party was expecting, but parkour with the Core Four definitely sounded cooler.


	7. Eddie Kaspbrak and The Monster Mash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween with the Core Four was truly a "graveyard smash." But if you thought that this was hauntingly heartwarming- just wait for the next chapter, it may not be heart _warming,_ but it's most certainly haunting.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and The Monster Mash- October 1987

**...keep them safe for me.**

It's a chilly Saturday when Halloween rolls around, and Eddie Kaspbrak could not be more ready. 

The day of October 31st sounds like music to his ears. All of the candy, all of the decorations, all of his _friends._ God- there couldn't be a better day. 

Well, Sonia Kaspbrak on the other hand, _loathed,_ Halloween for all of the same reasons, and the cherry on top of it all you may ask?

"But Eddie-Bear, it's the _"devils day"!_ Why would you want to go out there, among, among all of those _heathens!_ It's unsafe!"

That, that was why. Oh _god._ This day might always leave a pep in his sugar-induced step, or put a candy rotten smile on his face, but this certainly didn't. Sonia's protests came this same time every year, like the holiday itself. Maybe this one, Mom-yelling-oween, was the one God intended on creating.

"Ma, all I'm doing is getting candy with my friends, I promise! Just, please? I'm gonna go get my costume on, I'm gonna get my bag, and I'm just gonna walk around and get candy and _talk._ Is that okay? God can't be-"

"But he can Eddie!" Sonia started before Eddie could finish his plea. She couldn’t have even known what Eddie was saying. Her eyes were wild, definitely scarier than anything Eddie would see on the outside awaiting him. "-He _can!"_

"Okay, well, just- can I go, Ma? Please?" Eddie said, not even wanting to listen to whatever religious bullshit Sonia was going to drone on about. 

"Fine Edward. But, I _will_ be calling the Denbrough's at 8 'o'clock to make sure you are there, understand?"

"Okay! Yeah, I- thank you, Mommy!" Eddie said, kissing her on the cheek before she could even command him to do so.

Well, thank whatever god that Eddie didn't understand for making his mother relent, he thought as he ran up the stairs. Eddie didn't even think to slow down like he usually would, he was too preoccupied with the night ahead. He rushed into his room, swinging open the door with a force he didn't even know he was capable of, and grabbed his _Lion-O_ costume off of the dresser. Tonight, the Core Four would rule the streets of Derry, Maine, and of course, with the hoard of candy and dental records to show for it.

\------

"Woah Eds, lookin' snazzy! Rawr Rawr!" Richie exclaimed upon seeing Eddie's costume. It was nothing much, just a baggy one piece that covered all of Eddie, with _Lion-O's_ costume design printed on. Sonia didn't even get him the cooler, more accurate looking one, in fear he would "be too cold!". Well, better than making his own, he supposed. Richie made a claw motion at Eddie with his free hand, the one that wasn't holding his candy bag, but was conveniently adorned with a _Freddy Krueger_ glove, and moved closer to bump his hip with Eddie's.

He pushed the other boy away before he could get to him, making him stumble backward slightly. Richie just laughed his obnoxious laugh, and Eddie tried to hide his face once more.

The boys stood in Richie's driveway, waiting for Bill and Stan to make their fashionably late entrances. It was nearing 6:00, meaning it was hardly even dark yet. Only a few kids were out, and if any, they were just babies being wheeled around in strollers, or impatient little brat children that had a curfew. Still, Eddie loved the atmosphere. Maybe it was the eerily barren trees and the crunchy auburn leaves they had shed, or the dim-but-still-glowing luminescence of the Halloween lights in the daytime. Something about it, something just made Eddie feel like everything was right.

"Huh-hey guys!" Bill yelled, waving from further down the street. The sudden noise made Richie and Eddie whip their heads around excitedly, anticipating to see their friend in Holiday Attire.

"Well well! Look at what the cat dragged in! Hi, Staniel the Maniel! Hi, Curious George!" Richie motioned to Stan and Georgie, one of which he didn't expect to see so early, and the other, not at all. He leaned down to ruffle Georgie's hair, earning a laugh from the younger boy, and when Richie stood up regularly, Stan pushed his hand away before he had even had time to reach his hair. 

While Stan was busy dodging Richie's hands, which would not give up in their mission to touch "Stan's golden Jew-y locks!", Georgie had run over to Eddie and enveloped him in a hug. Well, enveloped everything below his torso in one. Eddie quickly waved to Bill, earning a grin in response.

"Hey, Gee!" Eddie said softly, looking back down, Georgie laughed at the nickname, and Eddie knew that was one of the only laughs he would love to hear for the rest of time. Georgie had just pushed his face further into the boy, and Eddie couldn’t help but smile again. He loved Georgie, and all of the imagination, curiosity, and hyperactivity that came with him. Eddie frequently found himself wishing he had grown up like Georgie. Though Eddie had gone through life with friends and families he had chosen and _loved,_ he did and still would give anything to be so _reckless,_ and _free_ and not have a second thought. When thinking that Georgie Denbrough had it good, or was the luckiest kid in the world, he was really just _normal._ And Eddie, deep down, wished he was the same.

But tonight, they could be. Tonight, they were the Core Four with some extra cargo, and damn it, they may not be normal, but they would be _together._

\------

"Guh-guys, when wuh-we get home, can we tuh-trade candy? All of muh-mine is shuh-shit!" 

"Well _Dracula,_ maybe if you didn't wear the same costume for the last three years, you'd get the goods Denbrough! Halloween is _clearly_ a competition, and I'm _clearly_ winning! I mean, look at this!" Richie yelled, and started rummaging through his nearly full bag. All of the others shared a tired look, either laughing to themselves or trying to hold back one.

"Radical! We got Milky Way's, A shit ton of Reeses', oh shit! A giant fuckin' Three Muskateers!-" He kept going, but everyone except for possibly Georgie had tuned him out by then.

For once though, Richie was right. Bill had been galavanting the streets of Derry as Dracula for the last three Halloweens, and it was getting a little old. Georgie on the other hand always switched it up, often too much, and multiple times a year. However, he had decided on a scarecrow for this year, making himself the butt of many crow jokes from Richie. Stan always decided what he wanted to be near June, and used the time in between to save up for the costume. This year, he had settled on _Marty McFly._ Almost all of their costumes were admittedly, _"pretty awesome-sauce"_ in Richie's words, and that was proven by the compliments they received when going door to door.

In all, it was a pretty fun night. As much as Eddie had always loved the occasion, the feeling was heightened when seeing the jack-o-lantern-like glow of his friends' smiles. They were starting to walk slower as the night went on, arms heavy and eyes low-lidded. After stopping at some last few houses, the boys decided to make their trek back to the Denbrough's.

"Hey, uh, anyone got a watch on 'em?" Eddie asked, now remembering that he too, like the stroller bound babies he had seen earlier, had a curfew. He had quickly looked at his own wrist, but realized he had forgotten it. 

"Uh, yeah, one second Eddie." Stan started, peering down at his wrist. "-It's 7:42." He yawned.

Eddie, thinking this was no yawning manner, started to panic.

"Shit! I gotta be home in twenty-two minutes! Fuck, I'm gonna miss the candy trade! Richie can you get me so-"

"Nope!" Richie announced, even popping the "p", which made Georgie giggle beside him. Well, Richie must not have been as tired as they were. Of course.

"Wh- Richie I wasn't even finished!"

"Well, Spagheds, I wasn't finished either! What I was _going_ to say, is that I will not be attending said candy trade," By now, Richie had adopted his classic British accent, which was somehow worse _with_ the Freddy Krueger costume. "Because, I will be walking you home! Can't have you here on a dark, scary night, all on your lonesome, now can we?"

"Can we?" Georgie laughed, sleep catching up with his voice.

Eddie debated rejecting the idea, as he was _not_ a child, he was eleven years old! He could walk himself home! And anyway, time was ticking, and Richie would just distract him! But, the thoughts didn't last long, of course. Richie said goodbyes for the both of them, aside from Eddie hugging Georgie and whispering a gentle "Be safe" in his ear, and the pair were off.

Eddie took a last glance around, taking in the sights he was so familiar with. Kids, of course, were still walking around, seeming more lively than the crowd the Core Four were bunched in with. He knew he would miss this when it was gone, but if he remembered it well enough, who said it couldn't be Halloween forever? His eyes briefly landed on Richie, who he saw was looking right back at him, so he quickly averted his gaze. They walked in a comfortable silence, until faintly Eddie could hear Richie singing _"Monster Mash"_ under his breath. It was too late to make good decisions, Eddie figured, so he abandoned his impulse control and joined in. Gradually getting louder, both with laughs and lyrics, the two were making a full-on ruckus. The pair stumbled their way to Eddie's house, quieting and steadying as they got closer to the door. As they parted, and Eddie turned around to see Richie waving wildly, stupid mask on and all, and he knew that the night was definitely a "Graveyard Smash".


	8. Eddie Kaspbrak Goes Back To Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak goes back to black for the second time in his life. But this time around- he loses a lot more.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Goes Back To Black- October 1988

**....there isn’t a single wretched thing that we can change about this.**

Eddie Kaspbrak and the Core Four, could not be feeling better. 

Well, almost the Core Four.

Today, Bill was out sick- as he had been for a week now. Eddie was beginning to think that Sonia had _really_ gotten to Sharon, and they were now conspiring to quarantine Bill, or- it was just a nasty cold. Who knew.

Anyway, that wouldn’t stop them from having their fun- member missing or not. Having fun without him wouldn’t cost anyone an arm or a leg, right?

A few hours ago, they were doing just that- having fun. The sun was shining, golden and bright on their faces, grass green and dewy beneath their feet. Leaves of all colors spun through the air, being the one reminder of the Fall season. Even though it was late October, and had no business being this sunny, who were they to pass this up? As said- fearless leader there or not, today was going to be a great day. 

The day got a little less great when the sky turned overcast and started to weep. Eddie questioned the abrupt change, but figured it was just stupid Derry weather. It didn’t mean anything. And if it did, it just meant the start of this year’s flood. The rain started to pour down in otherworldly amounts, and much to Richie's protests they would _not_ be staying out. Maggie Tozier corralled the three inside, and they ran straight up to Richie's room. 

Eddie hated it up here, well, if hate was the new word for making him feel safe and protected. Stan though, just plain disliked it. He was fully right to, the room was messy, maybe even disgustingly so. Comics were strewn everywhere, dishes of any age in every corner, laundry like little mountains everywhere the eye could pick up, and the distinct smell of _boy_ laced the room. In theory, it should be hated, and it was, by every Tozier who shared the house, and by Stanley Uris, who could almost be considered a Tozier. But for some reason, Eddie loved it. _God _knows why.__

__

__"Richie, dear? Bill is on the phone sweetie, this seems important!" Maggie yelled from down the stairs. To an ear well versed in Maggie Tozier, you could tell something was wrong. Luckily, all three boys shared that trait, and they clambered down the stairs before she could make her routine second call._ _

__

__Richie looked around before picking up the phone, magnified eyes landing on Eddie. He looked away and down at his hands, clasping them together before he could even _think_ of reaching for the fanny pack._ _

__

__"Hello? Big Bill? Yeah, what's up, man? You feelin' any-"_ _

__

__"Juh-Juh-Georgie is gone. Wuh-we d-don't know wuh-where he i-is. He luh-left like an h-hour ago tuh-to go race huh-his buh-boat down buh-by Whitcham. Cuh-come over. Puh-puh-please."_ _

__

__Eddie, Stan, and Maggie couldn't hear what Bill was saying on the other side of the line over the pounding rain outside, but they saw Richie's relaxed expression drop almost immediately. They looked around at the three of each other, as if to ask, “Are you guys seeing what I’m seeing?”_ _

__

__"Yeah, uh, can do Big Bill. Be right there."_ _

__

__Richie looked dazed- distant as he hung up. Like some sort of fuse had blown. Needless to say- everyone was horrified. Eddie stepped back, confused, and backed into Stan. The boy didn’t mind, and despite his apprehension to touch- he grabbed Eddie’s arm with a shaky hand._ _

__

__"Richie, honey, what's wrong dear? Is Bill okay?" Maggie asked softly. She looked to Stan and Eddie, seeing the same look of worry on their faces as she could feel on her own. She reached over to touch Richie's shoulder, but he looked as if he hadn't even felt it._ _

__

__"Guys, we have to go. This, this is serious shit. I- sorry, Ma-" Richie said in a rush, already moving toward the door to grab his rain boots. His voice sounded hollowed- devoid of its usual boisterousness._ _

__

__"Rich, what is this? Tell us what's up! I'm- we're scared!" Eddie was talking in a hushed tone, moving closer to Stan for comfort. He debated going closer to Richie- touching his cheek or grasping his hand like thep boy in question usually did to him- but he couldn't. He couldn't go to Richie, not now. Eddie was afraid that if he touched him, he would end up looking as dead as the boy in front of him does, and maybe, afraid of something else too._ _

__

__"Eds- Stan- Just- get your boots on, get your coats, we just need to go." The statement seemed final, and Eddie and Stan inched away from Maggie, going to get their rain gear from near the door._ _

__

__As soon as that, they raced out, not even an objection from Maggie, just a small "Be safe!" which seemed oddly familiar, but Eddie couldn't place it. The rain beat down on their hoods, fast and heavy, almost feeling akin to hail. When it rained in Derry, it _rained,_ and almost always had a chance of turning into a full-blown flood. It was like a curse._ _

__

__The trio rode in silence, just the crash of rain hitting the pavement and noises of exertion from riding as the only ambience. Eddie hated it- not knowing what was going on, being afraid, and even just the general _silence._ He hoped desperately for Richie to be okay- to get out of his weird funk and crack a joke, just something dumb to distract him. He hoped for Stan to laugh quietly, and to remark back like he always did. And Bill, Bill didn’t need to do much talking- he never did. He just hoped that Bill would be okay._ _

__

__He found himself hoping for Georgie too- muttering under his breath parts of prayers he remembered. He was sure it was just too little of an amount for it to make sense, or for the Big Guy Upstairs to even know what he was going on about. But God had never fixed much for Eddie- he wished a lot would change, asked for it even more times than he had counted, and gotten nothing of it._ _

__

__But that didn’t matter. He didn’t care who he needed to ask for it to happen, or how many times, he just hoped simply that curiosity didn’t kill the cat._ _

__

__They had reached the Denbrough house, and all parties but Stan had thrown down their bikes carelessly. Bill had opened the door before they had even gotten to the steps, and ushered them in, as if he was trying to protect them from something unknown.__

__\------_ _

__"-And nuh-now he's juh-just guh-gone. I sh-should have guh-guh-gone with him." Bill said, all emotion detached from his voice. His stutter had grown worse all day, barely even able to say two words smoothly. You could see the worry of a thousand men in his eyes, enough for all of them._  
_

__

__"Billy, he's a smart kid, he wouldn't- he probably just wandered off, he couldn't have gotten himself-"_ _

__

__"Eds, don't finish that." Eddie quieted at Richie's words, moving closer to him, but keeping his eyes fixed on Bill. He was glad for Richie’s remark- he didn’t want to finish it either._ _

__

__"Guys, he's fine. Georgie is seven, what's the worst he could do? Anyway, nothing happens here. Oi, the worst thing that's happened since we've been here is Bowers, but he's, he's _him."_ Stan reasoned, trying to audibly keep the worry from his voice. He had scanned the room while he talked, eyes moving in every which way uncomfortably. He moved further away on the couch, curling into himself. _ _

__

__"I duh-don't know guh-guys. I'm juh-just so- so scuh-scared. If someth-thing huh-happened to huh-him, I'd be so-"_ _

__

__Bill was cut off by an urgent knock on the door._ _

__

__'Oh _god,'_ Eddie thought. He felt his breaths shorten, and instinctively reached for his inhaler, fingers searching for the fanny pack at his waist, but Richie caught his hand. Eddie didn't even look over to see him, he _wouldn't,_ he _couldn't._ He calmed at the feeling of Richie's hand on his though, and felt the other boy's eyes on him. Still, he couldn't look back, so he tried to shoot a glance of reassurance at Bill. He hoped that was what it looked like._ _

__

__Bill stood up, and Stan and Richie seemed to follow suit, bolting upright at the noise. Eddie still was seated though, making no plans to move. The boy was almost shaking- paralyzed with fear. He had no wishes to see what was behind that door- none at all. Richie tugged on Eddie's hand despite this, of which he had never let go of, and tried to peer at him once more. Eddie got up, but still didn't look him in the eye. They met the others at the door, and then Bill opened it._ _

__

__There, Dave Gardener stood. One of the Denbrough's neighbors. He was saying something, probably muttering some apology. Something that wasn't heard. The Core Four were transfixed on what was in his arms._ _

__

__A boy shaped lump in a bloodied yellow raincoat._ _

__

__Bill Denbrough was sick. Eddie Kaspbrak was sick. Richie Tozier was sick. Stanley Uris was sick._ _

__

__This would be the kind of sick that lasted for a long, long while- and Eddie would know. For the second time in his life- he was going back to black._ _


	9. Eddie Kaspbrak Follows The Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has been a follower his whole life- always a leader to guide him. But now, if he doesn't want to fly solo- he's going to have to choose who exactly he wants to follow

### Eddie Kaspbrak Follows The Leader- June 1989

**...every dam we ever tried and failed to build,**

Eddie Kaspbrak was done with seventh grade, finally.

And holy shit- was this a _year._

Even so far, 1989 had been a grueling, terribly long year. School necessarily wasn’t any harder- same old work and horrible teachers as every year. Now, however, The group had the weight- or, lack thereof- Georgie Denbrough on their shoulders. Eddie Kaspbrak was- to put it nicely- going to lose it if he had to help Bill build another model of the sewer system. 

He loved Bill- really, really did, and it’s not that he doesn’t miss Georgie, but-

He was so _tired._ And more than that, he wanted Bill back. Really, _really_ wanted Bill back. In Eddie’s terms- he was losing his way these days, and he so desperately needed to follow the leader.

Because God forbid- he could ever believe in himself to be a leader.

"School's out for summer fellas! How we feelin'?" Richie exclaimed, launching all of his leftover papers into the trash. He had missed for the most part- by a lot- and papers had gone flying, blowing away in the wind to never be seen again. Richie didn’t seem to care, in fact, found it hilarious.

"Worse, because you're still here." Stan sighed, rolling his eyes at the mess of a boy in front of him. The rest of the group laughed at the remark, and Richie quickly dropped his laughter, feigning hurt.

"Well _ouch,_ Stan the Man! Hit me where it really hurts why dontcha?" 

"He's right dumbass." Eddie started, still laughing at the first insult, bent down to pick up some of Richie’s loose papers. "-Anyway, what are our plans? We doin' anythin'?"

"Besides showing your mother a _lovely_ time later? Not much!" Richie barked out in laughter, being the only one to find himself amusing, as always.

"Guh-god, Beep-Beep Rich-" Bill added. This made the remaining trio turn their heads toward him, and Eddie stand back upright, surprised Bill even had it in him to make a witty comment.

These days, Bill Denbrough wasn't frequent to talking. The stutter didn't help much, but ever since _Georgie,_ he had largely kept to himself. Silent during the school day, and practically non-existent after it let out. This worried Eddie, of course, because everything did. But, it seemed like a large part of Bill died right along _with_ George, though he knew he shouldn't think that. 

With Georgie Denbrough, everything seemed to die.

All the joy, all the life, hell, even the Denbrough's themselves. The Core Four too, Eddie worried would cease to exist. Because once Bill went, Stan would go, and Richie would _never_ leave Stan behind, and then Eddie would be- 

"Earth to Eduardo? Shit man, you havin' a stroke?" Richie laughed uneasily, waving his hand in front of Eddie's face.

"Yeah uh- I mean- I'm fine, idiot." Eddie huffed out, again keeping his eyes from moving to Richie's own.

"Well, assuming you didn't hear us the first time, Spaghedward, we're goin' to the Barrens, gonna try to build a dam." 

"Why? What the hell do we need a- Can any of us even build a dam?" Eddie questioned. There was no real reason for him to keep the bickering going, but, he didn’t feel there was a reason for it to stop either. And anyway, any excuse to talk to Richie was as good as any-

_‘What- no! Why do we- why do I want to talk to him? No- I just want him to shut up. Yeah- I’m talking so he’ll shut up-’_

"Well, _no,_ but it's cool, Spaghetti! Why not, I mean-" 

"We get it, you two are married, now can you shut up so we can get going? Come on idiots, beat feet." Stan said, no real malice behind his tone, despite the dagger-like glare he was giving to the two.

Eddie just hid his face in his shirt, and walked over to the bike rack, making sure none of the others had joined him.

_'It's fine, It's just a joke, Idiot. Two guys can't even get married. Why would you even marry Richie anyway? Wait, would you?'_

Eddie heard the rattle of a bike being pulled free from the rack, so he decided to stop thinking. He should stop thinking a lot more.

\------

"Ta-da boys! There aren't we geniuses?" Richie questioned, gesturing to his work. He had built _somewhat_ of a dam, or just, a pile of sticks, rocks, and weeds that he hoped would stay. No one helped him with this endeavor, of course. Eddie was busy _not_ watching Richie, because Richie was an _idiot,_ and was rather trying to decode the look on Bill's face. Stan seemed to be doing the same, in between watching birds, and making sure Richie didn't impale himself with a stick.

Bill, for this whole length of time, had stayed silent and turned away, almost concentrated. His silence had been worrying, and of course not just for this whole time, but since-

Bill was their leader, Eddie thought. Bill was safe, Bill was a middle ground, Bill was trusted, Bill was _stable._ Where was that Bill? Where was carefree, fun-loving, idiot Bill Denbrough? Where was he and why had he changed? Why was Bill so overprotective of Eddie now? Asking Eddie if he was okay- acting like Eddie was a _baby._ Where was the Bill that Eddie looked up to- Bill that was a hero?

_'Dead',_ Eddie had thought. _'Dead, just like the rest of them'._

That's why all members of the Core Four, even Bill himself, were surprised when he turned around on the log he was seated on- and started to speak.

"Guh-guys?"

Eddie, Richie, and Stan all stopped what they were doing, and looked over, almost leaning further in.

"I- uh- shuh-shit. I- I know we ah-all muh-miss Georgie, an-nd, I know wuh-we can ah-all see thuh-that kids are- are going missing. And- and I thuh-think it's nuh-not a coincidence. Ruh-right? I mean, whuh-what if Juh-juh-Georgie was juh-just the first o-one? Now, now thuh-there's more." Bill said, looking around for answers. They had none. Eddie stayed silent- signaling for Bill to keep going, and the others seemed to do the same.

"So, I- I think wuh-we should tuh-try to fuh-fuh--find him. Maybe, if wuh-we fuh-find him, wuh-we can fuh-find the other kuh-kids." The sound of hopelessness laced Bill Denbrough's voice, he was almost close to tears. Not very leader-like.

Bill must have kept talking, but Eddie couldn't be bothered to hear the rest of it. Here he was, a follower, as he always had been, not having anyone to follow. He had been flying solo with his own sense of direction for a while now- with the exception of Richie always being close by. Even so, he was too focused on what _used_ to be than what was _happening._ Eddie was still stuck in 1981- Bill Denbrough stuttering out orders, and Eddie closely following. No matter how many new people he met, how many friends the Core Four made- Eddie figured he’d always be that shy little boy at Bill’s coattails- he didn’t see why it would ever stop. Even if Bill had changed- a protective, shielding change- he still _cared._ He was still a _leader._ And Eddie still missed him.

If Eddie wanted Bill back, which he did more than anything, he would have to agree. Eddie wanted his routine back, he wanted his relationship back, he wanted his _family_ back. Bill Denbrough was like a hero, but more than anything, he was like a brother, or, maybe even a father. The closest Eddie would ever get to one, at least. And even if Eddie Kaspbrak had a family, The Core Four, The Tozier's, The Denbrough's, even his own mother, he didn't have a father. And, if he would have to settle for Bill Denbrough to fill that void, so be it.

When it seemed clear that Bill's explanation was done, Eddie was the first to jump in.

"Yeah- yeah, Bill. I think that's a great idea. We should do it." Eddie said, almost even convincing himself. If Eddie could do anything, he could play a part.

"Right, guys? We should all help Bill?" Eddie asked, nodding to the other remaining parties. He did so forcefully, as a nudge to say “Just agree- don’t look at the fine print.”

Richie had just rolled his eyes- but looked weary on the surface- as did Stan. They turned to each other, having their own silent conversation. With a few hand gestures and sharp glares, they seemed to have come to a decision. Richie looked to Eddie while he spoke, though the words were aimed toward Bill.

"Yeah, anything to help. 'Course." Richie almost sounded serious, and he reached out a hand to touch Bill's shoulder as his mother always did to him. He looked as if he didn't want to- his hand hovering ever so slightly. Richie's tone unsettled Eddie more than anything- the seriousness, the disbelief. It all seemed like an act, like a coverup. Eddie was probably overanalyzing.

Eddie was a follower, again. And, a million times over, he would be. Only this time, he didn't know who to follow. Part of him, maybe a bigger part than he even knew, wanted to follow Richie. He wanted to not be involved, free-falling, almost. Richie didn't seem to care if Eddie admired him, or anything really. It just seemed like Richie wanted his approval- which he always got. Around Richie, he felt safe, felt _equal._ But safe, didn't matter. Unequal didn't matter. If unsafe meant trudging around in sewers and looking for a dead body, if unsafe meant he would get his Fearless Leader back, well then, Eddie Kaspbrak would just have to follow the leader.


	10. Eddie Kaspbrak Has A Girl Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has a problem. No- not the one you would think, a _girl_ problem. And its ruining everything- that is, until it gets worse.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Has A Girl Problem- July 1989

**...Stupid, stupid, stupid.**

To Eddie Kaspbrak- everything is horrible. 

Not an overstatement, yes, truly, everything is horrible. And it very well might all be because of Beverly Marsh.

Except for the Leper that Eddie had seen at the Neibolt house, of which gave him terribly garish nightmares on its own accord, everything was Beverly Marsh's fault. 

As an example, Eddie had just started to get used to Ben Hanscom, who had seemed to have joined their group. Ben was nice, he had given Eddie the idea to pour a chocolate milkshake on himself to cover up the blood on his shirt, due in part to Henry Bowers, and part to his own wheezing. Though Ben made it a little harder to call themselves the Core Four, Eddie didn't think he minded all that much. But now, he did mind. Because Ben Hanscom for the life of him, could not keep his eyes off of Beverly Marsh. 

And neither could Bill Denbrough, for that matter. Ever since Richie had met her outside of the Capitol Theater, and started bringing her along to the Core Four plus Ben's outings, everyone had been practically drooling over her. 

Something about the situation had stung more, knowing _Richie_ had brought her in, meaning they had known each other-

Eddie refused to dwell on that.

But God, what was so cool about a _girl?_ They were just boys with long hair and different-

Gross, Eddie didn't want to dwell on that, either. However, it seemed like that was exactly what everyone else couldn't get their mind off of.

So, that's exactly why when Richie Tozier had called his house earlier today to ask if Eddie had "-wanted to chill with the rest 'a the guys!", he declined immediately.

That is also why Richie had shown up at his front door that same Saturday, while Eddie's mother was off at Bingo.

"Knock knock! Room service!" Richie yelled from outside, in a horrible high pitched girl voice. Great, the last thing Eddie needed to hear about was a _girl._

He had been rummaging through his kitchen, looking for something to eat that was _actually_ good. He had gotten quite tired of Raisin Bran, and with his mother gone, he had free range over the house. Eddie had so far though, not had any luck. After deciding that none of his food to choose from was any good, he closed the cabinet and made his way toward the door. Eddie swung it open, completely unamused.

"Richie what do you- I said I wasn't going to the Barrens today. And no, my mom isn't here."

The taller boy sighed, looking down. He opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. Surprising.

"I just- I just wanted to see if you were okay, Eds, you sounded, well you sounded like someone who _hasn't_ gotten laid."

Eddie just huffed at the joke, acting as if he didn't find the concern endearing. 

"Well yeah, no shit, Richard," Eddie smiled at his use of Richie's first name, which seemed to make the other boy grin as well. "-you haven't either, so don't even play that card with me, dickwad. But yeah, I'm- I'm fine, thanks though."

Richie didn't seem satisfied by the answer, and he still stood on the doorstep, making no effort to walk back toward his bike. Eddie gave him a confused look, but he only started talking again.

"Well, the Barrens aren't that bad, you know. I know you're probably just afraid of the germs and shit, and whatever the fuck you called the water, but-" Richie stopped, and Eddie watched him consider the new idea that must have popped into his head, his eyes lighting up like comets. Richie Tozier's hyperactivity and racing mind would be the death of him, that he knew for sure.

"You know what? Richie paused, though it was rhetorical. "-Here, come get on my bike! The missus won't be back in like what, four hours?" The boy earned a nod from Eddie and kept going. "So that means, time for an adventure!"

Eddie, wanting to prove a point he wasn't even aware of, didn't want to show Richie up on his offer, but at the same time, he couldn't say no. What he wasn't aware of, was that Richie Tozier had him _exactly_ where he wanted him. Eddie Kaspbrak was a gullible little shit, no matter what facade he attempted to put on to hide the fact.

After shooting up the stairs, to quickly stock and put on his fanny pack, he ran right back down, and bid his house farewell. Eddie had forgotten how lovely it was to leave his house without a "Remember your-!" or a "Don't do-", like a shadow following close behind. 

It felt just like the sun above them- the golden hues coming down, making their skin look like light honey. It felt safe, and incredibly, unbelievably _free._ He loved the feeling akin to flying when he would ride double on Richie's bike, coasting slightly but keeping speed, the wind dancing through his hair. Like he was up in the clouds. He ignored that this ethereal feeling came like a package deal with Richie Tozier.

Richie glided down the street, his grip only on the handles most of the time. Eddie must have been too calm, to serene to even notice where Richie was leading them- right to the Barrens. He didn't know what had been up with Eddie all week, Richie was unaware of Eddie's "Girl Problem", as he was most things. He, in reality, didn't see _all_ of the hype over Beverly Marsh either though. Bev was a cool girl, who frequently gave him cigarettes, but he didn't have a _hard-on_ for her. She was pretty, yes, Richie wasn't that much of an idiot, but he just saw her as _"pretty rad"._ Anyway, his eyes were always lead astray by-

"Richie! Turn you piece of shit! Holy fuck we almost got hit by that car!" 

"Woah, calm down Spaghetti, it's all fine, see? We're just-"

"Wait, where are we?" Eddie asked, quieter than his previous tone, less frantic. Richie had taken a shortcut through some woods, which had put them on a trail. It was fairly smooth and in a clearing of trees. The shade made it a little bit cooler- a relief from the heat of the open. The breeze still danced through the trees and in his hair, and Eddie could hear the sounds of running water beside them. He noticed the wood clearing start to turn more to stone, and the marsh-like quality of the air started to drift toward his nose. Without a doubt, the pair were nearing the Barrens. Eddie, in a fit of betrayal, any slightly feigning offended, spoke.

"Richie but I told you I didn't want to- bring me back home! I don't need to see everyone all over B-"

"Bev?" Richie questioned. 

"Yes, Beverly!" Eddie spat, as if the girl's name on his tongue was like acid. "If I'm gonna hang out with you guys, I'd rather everyone _not_ be looking at her chest! I don't even understand why you- Ugh! She's just changing everything! I'd- I'd rather _break my arm_ than hear you and Bill and Ben go on about her!" Eddie was really working himself up by this point, the boy was all flying hands and animated expressions. 

"Ed's, she's- she's not _that_ bad!" Richie started, voice sounding close to a plea. Eddie would have none of it and just kept his gaze down at his shoes. He looked like a stubborn toddler. "I get that Bev is different and stuff, but I promise, she's cool! I don't really know what to say. I mean, I know shit is scary right now, with all of you guys seeing that clown-"

"Leper. It's- I saw a leper." Eddie corrected.

"Yeah, Leper.” Richie sighed, but kept taking. “Well, dontcha' think that we can use all the friends we need right now? Like, the more the fuckin marrier, right? We're- I think we're kind of a family. Us losers gotta stick together. We're all seeing this weird shit, well, you guys are and shit, but at least we have each other. I think that if we all stick together, all that sappy shit, it won't hurt us, whatever the fuck it is." By the time Richie had finished, Eddie was looking up at him, a hopefulness in his gaze. Richie, taken aback by such a thing, moved to say something else, but Eddie had just hugged him.

And right there, in the gangly, wimpy arms of Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak didn't feel like a follower. He didn't feel quite like Richie was a hero either, but he knew he felt safe. And deeper down, he knew he had a lot more to deal with than a "Girl Problem".


	11. Eddie Kaspbrak Breaks A Sweat (and an arm)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has just learned of a horrible truth, and now- a lot more is broken than his trust.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Breaks A Sweat (and an arm)- July 1989

**...and our shitty lives,**

They’re all gazebos.

Well, that's what Keene said, when Eddie had gone to pick up his prescription. He had just walked in, like any normal Sunday, pushing open the double doors and softly whistling to himself. It was a nice day, the sun was out and shining bright above him like a halo. But, something about the air, about the heat, about _something,_ seemed sour. 

Eddie had walked up the counter, resting his right arm on it in some attempt to seem casual. He hated it here, surrounded by bright, stark white walls, medications, all of which had a good 85% chance that he had taken them already. It was a horrible thought, but one that occurred to Eddie more often than he would like to admit, but he felt as about "at home" at Keene's Pharmacy as he did at his own, which was already not much. Both places made him feel uncomfortable and itchy, and _small._ Even the thought had him reaching for his inhaler.

Eddie, growing quite impatient now- stood on his tip-toes and tried to get a better view of behind the high counter. No sight of Keene, of course. He just huffed, the noise sounding shakier and more wheeze-like than he had planned. 

He had never liked Mr. Keene much- always thinking that the man was way too sickly sweet to not be suspicious. Eddie had thought that notion to be quite similar to his mother, but he quickly stopped the thought in its tracks before he could dwell. He had heard stories about Mr. Keene, horrible rumors of him bringing kids behind the counter, or using his prescriptions for other, more _personal_ things. His mother of course, had never minded the fact, or even didn’t believe it all together. Keene was of course, a nice, white, christian man, with a trophy wife and a bimbo daughter who was high up on the school’s hierarchy of popularity. 

Eddie had figured it ran in the family, as he didn’t like Greta Keene too much either. She was pretty by a normal standard- long blonde hair, tall, skinny, and _incredibly_ unattainable. He found himself laughing- and the slightest bit relieved- that Greta was the only girl Richie Tozier “Wouldn’t bang, like, ever”. And, he had even said before that _David Bowie_ was hot- though Eddie couldn’t tell if he was joking.

Eddie turned on the heel of his foot, just about to walk right back out, when Keene tapped him on the shoulder from behind. Eddie almost jumped out of his skin.

"Hey, no need to be afraid! You know I won't bite!" He smiled, and something eerie showed through his teeth. "Now, aren't you here for your refills?"

"Yup, sure am," Eddie responded, agitated and uncomfortable. He had started muttering to himself- he hoped under his breath. "Same time every stupid Sunday, to pick up these God-forsaken-" 

"You say somethin', Eddie?" Keene still wore that creepy smile, and the sight almost made Eddie reach down for-

He was startled by the loud clack of Keene's computer keys, the loud sound almost echoing in the empty establishment. Keene sighed while doing so, and turned around to get the refills from Eddie's box on the shelf.

"Here 'ya go, all set. But, before I give 'ya these, I oughta' tell ya' something." He was no longer wearing the grin, instead switching it out for a look of weariness. 

_'No,'_ Eddie thought, _'You oughta' just let me leave and get back on my way.'_

Keene started talking despite Eddie's silence. 

"Have you ever heard of a _placebo,_ Eddie?" 

"Wh- No? What's that?" Eddie asked, flustered. God, what if it was a _disease?_ His mother would be-

"Well, a placebo is like medicine, that has no effects. Really, it's not even medicine. It's merely just medicine to your mind." Keene said this softly, like one would try to explain something to a baby. Eddie for one was not a baby. He could handle the truth! However, if he knew what Keene was getting to with this- he didn't know if he _could_ handle it.

"Do you mean-" Eddie started weakly. Of course, it was weak.

"Yes, I'm afraid I do. You're on all of this, mumbo jumbo, just for the benefit of your mother, sadly. I felt quite terrible lying to you for all of this time, Eddie. So in reality, you're actually-"

"Okay, can I- can I just get the refills now, please, thank you." Eddie gasped out. God, he needed his _inhaler._ He needed to get _home._

He snatched the bag from Keene and ran out. It felt oddly good to run, and he rather loved the thought of running away now.

\------

Eddie wasn't so sure if he still loved running right about now.

All of his running and gasping and worrying had _run_ him right into Henry Bowers. 

"Well, _He-llo_ Wheezy!" Henry greeted. Lovely.

"What do you want? Please just, let me go home." Eddie pleaded, no matter how futile he knew his attempts would be. He tried to push Henry away, but he had just gotten pushed harder in the process. Eddie landed on the gravel sidewalk harshly, and Henry crouched down above him. 

"Well we can't let you get off _that_ fuckin' easy, now can we?" Henry's hand turned when saying this, to ask the rest of the gang that had accompanied him that day. Belch and Victor nodded at him eagerly, still standing off to the side- both too cowardly to get involved.

"Yeah, don't think we forgot about you and your faggot friends throwing rocks, Rock Man, because I sure didn't." 

"Please, just-" Eddie was full-on wheezing now, gasping for any air he could get. Sadly, the only air near him he would need to share with Henry. He would pass.

"Would you stop makin' that _fuckin_ noise!" Henry roared, covering Eddie's mouth with his hand. Gee, whatever happened to a _warning?_ Eddie brought his arms up to try to pull off Henry's own, but his free hand took hold of Eddie's instead. Henry, firmly gripping his right arm, bent the thing backward, Eddie's hand now practically able to reach his neck.

"Yeah, yeah- you like that, Girly Boy? You want me to- you want me to keep goin'?" Henry accented the words with another pull of Eddie's arm, and this time, they both heard a crack.

Whatever crying Eddie had done beforehand, which was, in Richie Tozier's words, a "fuck ton", had all stopped now. The pain shooting up his arm was unbearable, but Eddie couldn't find it in himself to wince, or cry, or-

The boy started to laugh.

Anyone watching him in other circumstances would have noticed his snorting, hysterical laughter before they noticed his arm. Oh dear _God,_ his arm. The thing was twisted horribly- bent halfway up his back. It felt light though, almost to the point of nonexistence. Almost like it was _floating._

However, the three watching him _did_ notice his wildly-bent arm. They were frozen. 

"Why is he laughing? Little shit is laughing! Fucker's arm is broken and he's _laughing?"_ Henry questioned, yelling once again. He had started to back away as if Eddie was a rabid animal. Belch and Victor seemed to have gotten the message, and the three made a break for it.

Eddie, still sat, laughing. It was more of a soft sound now, more secluded and to himself. He had tried to move his arm, to hold it, but even thinking about it made the pain flare up again. and that of course, made him laugh even more.

The funny thing was that Eddie Kaspbrak had never _felt_ pain. He had heard loads about it, but he had never understood the hype, or rather, the lack thereof. So right there, on the gravel sidewalk, was the first time he had ever felt such a thing. So sheltered, so _imprisoned_ in his twelve years of life, that the most pain he had ever felt was a pinch, courtesy of Richie Tozier- of course. He tried to think if he had started to laugh then, but couldn't be bothered to remember.

Eddie let the sun above, which was still beating down and glowing bright, envelop him in its golden rays. He let the smell of fresh-cut lawns and fragrant flowers fill his nose. He let the nearing sound of ambulance sirens float into one ear and out of the other, he didn't care if they were- but he suspected they were for him. It only made the boy start laughing more. He couldn't have felt better. He thanked the gods that he didn't understand for finally, _finally_ letting him feel something. Eddie had hoped they heard him.

Eddie Kaspbrak had finally gotten his big, bad break, and he couldn't wait for his mother to hear it.


	12. Eddie Kaspbrak Leads The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak just fought a giant bird, which used to be a giant eye, which used to be a giant clown. They found their way to it, so now they'll need to find their way out. Eddie Kaspbrak may or may not lead the way.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Leads The Way- August 1989

**...and not have been terrified.**

Holy fuck, Eddie Kaspbrak had just fought a giant eye, and almost got ripped to shreds by a giant-demon-bird.

He had fought it, and he had _won._

Eddie Kaspbrak felt like a hero.

The cistern they stood in was dark and barren, smelling quite pungently of sewer. The space was wide open, every noise bouncing off of the cold stone walls. Dirty water up to their ankles hugged their skin, seeping into their shoes and soaking their pants. Not the battlefield the Losers had expected, but the one they had been met with. Fitting, a disgusting home for a disgusting clown.

“Guh-gee Eddie, didn’t knuh-know you huh-had that in you!” Bill yelled, ears still ringing from all of the noise. His words echoed throughout the cistern- he seemed, _proud,_ as opposed to protective.

For that matter, Eddie didn't know he had that in him either. He had _punched,_ and _kicked,_ and _yelled._ He had stood up for his friends, all in the grasp (or, jelly?) of the eye, and he showed that thing who was boss. Upon reflection, his actions were rather manic, yelling and kicking and punching like he was off of his rocker- but he couldn't help it. He wouldn't let himself freeze up, he would _fight_ because he wasn't _weak_ or _fragile-_ he couldn't hear that any longer. Eddie Kaspbrak's love for his friends was stronger than Sonia's influence- and his willpower was stronger than anything.

“ ‘I’m doin’ the Mashed Potatoes all over it, and I got a broken arm!’ “ Richie imitated, yelling like a banshee. The other Losers just ignored him, looking fondly around at everyone _else,_ being grateful that they were all alive. Eddie would agree though- those words were not his finest moment. He just glared at Richie, nudging the other boy's arm with his cast.

“Hey, I saved your ass from that eye! Don’t forget it!” Eddie quipped back, laughing loudly. He couldn’t help but be happy, all the fear was gone- so he thought.

Richie just responded with a smile and pulled Eddie into a hug, which all of the Losers then copied. Before he could be nervous because Richie was touching him (why would he be nervous?), he realized that they were together, and they were safe. There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing could compare to this. Or at least, nothing that Eddie currently knew of.

The Losers may have newfound safeness, even a newfound family, but they still had not found their way _out._

Richie tried to ease his way out of the hug, but it proved to be anything but. He had started flailing and squirming- forcing the Losers to disperse. They all looked at him questioningly, Eddie most of all, still flustered from the touching. But in a way, they weren't surprised. Even Mike already knew that Richie Tozier could not stay still for long.

"Hey guys, I hate to break our family bonding moment, but did you people forget we're in a _literal_ shithole? We better know how to get out of here, I love you fucks but I can't smell this shit any longer."

"Thanks, Richie, for ruining the moment." Stan laughed, no real accusation in his tone. The other Losers did the same, before realizing the situation.

"Does anyone remember how we actually got here?" Beverly asked, looking around. She still was holding Ben's hand, and whether the touch was inadvertent or not, Ben's smile because of it was like a second flashlight- the first being atop Eddie’s head.

"Yeah, can we retrace our steps or somethin'?"

"I- I dunno Mike, but i-it's a guh-good idea." Bill said, sheepishly. For once, he didn't know what to do.

"I- uh, I know how to get out-" Eddie started. Everyone turned to him, suddenly alert. 

"I remember how we got here, I tried to memorize all the turns an' stuff-" By the end, Eddie was trailing off- suddenly quite conscious.

_‘I can’t do this- I can’t lead them out. I’m not- I’m not a leader-’_

The Losers looked at him in relief, which he had shrunk under, of course- but the relief and shrinking didn't last long, as Richie started to speak.

"Well come on then! Pip pip and tally ho! Let's get our asses outta here!"

"Not the time for the British guy-"

"Dear Edward it's always time for-"

"I'm going to feed you to that clown, Richie, I swear to god just follow Eddie." Stan said, exasperated. 

"I thought Jews didn't-" Richie didn't dare finish, as he spotted the pipe still in Stan's hand.

\------

The sewers were somehow more disgusting now that they were _not_ hyping themselves up to fight a demon clown.

The distinct smell of, well, _shit,_ filled the tunnels, along with the reek of dank water. It was horrible but, at least they were finding their way out. The only light source that the Losers had thought to bring was Eddie's head flashlight, which was somehow still on. None of the Losers, even Eddie, could tell you how he knew where he was going, he just, did. It was like some sort of sixth sense, or like something was telling him where to go.

"Hey, guys, how much you guys wanna bet Eddie Spaghetti here put breadcrumbs on the ground? How else would he know where he was goin'?" Richie just snickered, entertaining only himself.

"No, I didn't, asshole! Do you see breadcrumbs? No, there's just- dead bodies and greywater! No breadcrumbs-" Eddie had stopped walking- turning around to the boy behind him and yelling out his defense.

"Puh-please juh-just keep muh-muh-moving. You guh-guys are in front, yuh-you're holding uh-up the line." Bill said, annoyed. He sounded like what Eddie imagined a father would sound like at the end of a workday. Fighting a killer clown- some job he must have.

" 'Kay fine, party pooper," Richie exclaimed dramatically, turning around and sticking his tongue out at Bill.

The space was cramped, and the Lucky seven all needed to navigate the tunnels like ducks in a row, to avoid touching the disgusting walls as much as they all could. they all followed Eddie, not doubting his leadership. The group had been walking for close to forty minutes, but the space was starting to get wider and lighter, which they figured was a good sign.

"Wait, shit guys, I see the well! we just need to climb up! We're almost there!" Eddie shouted. He almost fell over, as his abrupt stop halted the line unexpectedly, but Richie seemed to catch him before he could. The boy just winked at him, and Eddie looked away.

With Eddie's lead, they made their way up the well, grabbing onto any rocks they could, avoiding to cut themselves, or quite obviously, fall. The climb was harder for Eddie- with the heavy disadvantage of his cast, but he wouldn't let that deter him. They were almost silent, all noise coming from grunts of exertion or frustration, but it was a content silence- they were free.

Eddie, making his way out first, helped pull everyone up with his good hand, and made sure all the other six were accounted for. Luckily, they all were, thank god.

"Well uh, I know what _I'm_ doing for my summer experience essay!" Richie laughed, making a show of wiping the sweat off of his brow.

"Beep Beep, Richie!”. All of the Losers had exclaimed this in unison, laughing as well.

They walked through the creaky, dark halls of the Neibolt house, for hopefully the last time. Eddie knew at least, _he_ would never want to see that horrid house again. 

Wait, _shit,_ he didn't want to see his own house either.

So, he decided he wouldn't. The Losers bid the house farewell, leaving all of their fears and regrets behind with it. Well, most of them. After everyone shared one last hug, they had all mounted their bikes and rode away. All except for Richie, who was waiting for Eddie, who was trying to build up the courage to-

"Hello? You with us, Spaghetti? Come on, you love this place so much you wanna marry it? We're all leavin'." Richie said, picking up his bike and throwing a leg over.

"Yeah, uh, can I come with you? To your house? I- I don't want to go to my house-" Eddie said softly, looking down at his shoes. He thankfully didn't feel the need to grab his inhaler, because that was across the lawn somewhere.

"Uhh, yeah sure." Richie paused, as Eddie stood, too nervous to get on. 

"Well come on pardner, get on me horse!" Richie switched now to a Texan accent, Eddie guessed- but still laughed and got on the bike.

Eddie Kaspbrak felt the wind in his hair and the golden sun on his face, riding double on Richie's bike. Riding away from all the trouble, all the fear- from everything. Maybe if Eddie thought hard enough- they were running away. He couldn't help but smile, and the reason he guessed- was because he led the way. Totally, nothing else.


	13. Eddie Kaspbrak Opens Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak may have just exposed an open, bleeding wound to dirty air and sweaty palms, but he has a lot more opening up to do- specifically with a certain window.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Opens Up- August 1989

**...every time I couldn’t help but smile.**

Eddie Kaspbrak was profusely bleeding- but don’t worry.

The August sun had been shining bright in the sky, the golden hue and heat washing over the Losers Club. They stood, joined at the hands in a circle, glistening blood dripping from their palms, and onto the grass below. They had all looked at eachother, glancing around the circle- feeling an immense sort of pride, of _love,_ and maybe a little pain. They had made an oath, signed and promised in blood. And for a couple of Losers- they sure felt like winners.

Even though Eddie was all for the sappy friendship-promise bullshit, he didn't love the portion that involved his open wound near anyone's hand, and his casted one touching Richie Tozier's. He didn’t love the whole “standing in the middle of a dirty field and bleeding all over it” thing either- but he seemed to be voted out. Most of all though- he didn’t love the fact that he would need to go _home_ now- and figure out how to hide the gaping wound from Sonia’s gaze.

So that's why Eddie was here now, leaning over the sink, rinsing and washing his profusely bleeding hand- and hoping to _God_ that his mother wouldn't walk in. Eddie had grabbed the gauze and tape beforehand, so all he had left to do now was bandage it up. He hoped he could do all of this stealthily- as he knew he would be barraged with questions once his mother saw, and if he was so unlucky, maybe even brought to the doctor. 

Throughout the rest of the day- which there wasn't much left of, Sonia Kaspbrak kept to herself, occasionally shuffling around downstairs, and not going anywhere near Eddie. 

Perfect. 

She seldom spoke to him after the "gazebo" incident- too much of a coward to even face her own son. Maybe it was the guilt- the event of feeding her son lies and medication since the day he had no longer been attached to her- finally dawning on Sonia Kaspbrak. But more likely- it was her pride. Her idea of herself too fragile in her own mind to face what she had dampened it with. Maybe she even thought she was right- that there was no harm done, and that she was just a mother trying to protect her son.

Eddie was mostly pleased with it, the feeling of her hold lessening around him being one of the best he had ever felt, but he couldn't help feeling a twinge of guilt. He had thought about every possible motive she could have had- even brought up the issue to God himself, giving in to his mother inadvertently, but he hadn't gotten an answer, which he didn't find surprising. He thought that the thread of connection between him and the Big Man was cut a long time ago- just as swiftly as his hand was today, but he was afraid to know why.

The day had started to grow darker, the gold fading to a warm purple shade. The wind had started to pick up, as it did most nights in Derry, Eddie's curtains no longer staying stagnant because of it. The flowing fabric tickled his feet at the end of the bed, taking away Eddie's focus from the Spiderman comic in front of him, but he couldn't find it in him to close the window.

\------

He didn't know if that was a curse or a blessing when he saw a gangly figure crawl in. 

"Well hiya, Spaghetti! Fancy meeting you here!" Richie whispered, swinging his legs over the window and standing up in one fluid motion. 

"Richie!" Eddie hissed quietly, almost tumbling out of his bed upon hearing the boy. It took him a moment to regain consciousness, but he eventually spoke again. "What the fuck are you doing here? Why did you climb through my window- it's like, one!"

"You're cranky, Jesus. Well, I was just stopping by for your mom, but I figured I'd take a little detour." Richie snickered, sitting down on Eddie's bed. "I just wanted to see if you were okay, you know, your hand, if you were having nightmares-"

"Are you?" Eddie asked. He just got a confused look in response, he sighed and elaborated after yawning. "I mean- the nightmares. Are you having them?"

"Well, yeah, sometimes. Not all the time, but, when I do, they're horrible Eds." Richie looked down at his hands, starting to fidget with Eddie's blanket.

Eddie didn't know what to do, or even what to say, for that matter. He's had Richie in his room, and in his bed more times than he could even count, but never like this. Richie had never come through his window, snuck to his house, or even _stayed_ overnight. He didn't know how to feel- he was needlessly overwhelmed.

"Well uh, do you wanna talk about it?" Eddie whispered sheepishly, warier of talking to Richie than how quiet he was being.

"I- can I say not really? I just wanna sleep." Richie said, still not looking at Eddie. The absence of Richie's gaze was something Eddie wasn't used to. Something in him didn't want to be used to it, he liked Richie just how he was.

Eddie nodded at Richie's request, and shifted in his bed, pulling the covers up for Richie.

"Wait, uh, you want me to sleep in the bed? You sure? I know where the spare blankets are- I mean, I just planned on sleeping with your mom, not that we were gonna sleep anyway because I'm gonna be fu-"

"Rich," Eddie patted the spot next to him with his casted hand. "You are _not_ sleeping on the ground. Sleep here idiot, talk to me. Or, or not. I don't care. You gotta be okay too, don't worry about me."

Richie seemed paralyzed by Eddie's words, not even wanting to believe him. The look worried Eddie, but before he could dwell, Richie pulled him into a hug. Eddie of course, being tired as all hell, melted into it. The sound of Richie's calm breaths filled the room, and Eddie couldn't place why he was so relieved to hear them.

"Thanks, Eds I-" Richie paused, and stiffened up the slightest bit. Eddie's tiredness overtook his questioning and he barely even noticed the change- still holding onto him. "I'm just returning the one you gave me after the blood shit. Thanks." Richie said softly. He removed himself from Eddie and snuggled into the empty space of the bed. Eddie did the same, and pulled the covers over them. 

They let the night wash over them, the soft light of the stars layered on like just another blanket. The pair shared a comfortable, sleepy silence, laying on their respective sides of the bed. Eddie laid silently, looking for patterns on his ceiling- clad with glow in the dark stars, trying to soothe himself into sleep. Richie, on the other side, was looking at a far more interesting star- the boy right next to him, but Eddie wasn’t aware.

"Hey, Eddie 'Scetti?" Richie whispered into the room tentatively.

"Yeah?" Eddie asked, voice laden with sleep. He heard Richie scootch over beside him, and felt his breath on his nose. As he opened his eyes, everything in his mind was saying _'too close too close',_ but he made no attempt to move.

"Uh," Richie paused and laughed quietly, his grin cracking and smile showing through. Eddie couldn't help but smile right back. "I forgot what I was gonna say."

"Idiot. Go to sleep."

He heard Richie chuckle soft and low, before inhaling sharply. Before Eddie could look over, Richie had pulled him closer. Eddie knew, Richie knew, hell, even God knew that it was wrong, but Eddie again made no attempt to move. He blamed it on sleep, and would for the rest of time, but he let his head rest on Richie's chest, and his arms drape over the boy's side. Somewhere along the way, their legs had tangled together, and Richie had rested his chin on Eddie's head. This all happened silently, but very knowingly.

Eddie had guessed he knew why the Big Guy had cut their line of connection, and soon he would _really know._ Soon, Eddie would wake up alone, but smiling at his open window, feeling the presence of the sun, just as bright and golden as the boy who was next to him hours ago.

And now he knew- he would be opening up a lot more than his heart or his mouth- maybe even a window.


	14. Eddie Kaspbrak and Bev's Birthday Bash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak loves Beverly Marsh- things have obviously changed from 1989. And with the help of aforementioned Beverly Marsh, maybe he might understand a little more.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and Bev's Birthday Bash- February 1990

**...where we could have been us**

Maybe Beverly Marsh wasn't all that bad. _Maybe._

To kick off the winter break, the Losers had all clambered into Richie Tozier's house to celebrate Bev's birthday. It had been earlier that week on Tuesday- but they had postponed all festivities until the weekend- to ensure full Loser attendance.

They had all boarded Richie’s bus after school- bags fuller than usual with textbooks, folders, and now the addition of presents. The bus was fairly empty, but that didn’t stop Eddie from making a show of “needing” to sit with Richie because there was “no room”. The rest of the ride had gone smoothly though- well, as smooth as it could with the Losers Club (sans Mike) together in an enclosed space.

The group threw themselves out of the bus, and ran inside at full speed, trying and failing to avoid the February weather. Snow spun around them in tornadoes, and the cold air had turned their faces five shades more pink. They had swung open the door and entered the house, shutting it with a flourish.

"Let's get this party started!" Richie said, immediately throwing his bag to the ground. The action caused an unexpected loud _“thud”_ and Eddie could only hope it hadn’t damaged Bev’s present- one that he had helped Richie make. It was a mixtape of songs that reminded the pair of Bev, as well as some sneakers from _Second Hand Rose_ that they had painted and drawn on. Eddie was proud of the gifts- thinking that they truly embodied Beverly.

"Be quiet Richie, and we still gotta wait for Mike." Eddie huffed, faking annoyance. He unzipped his coat and shimmied out of it, hanging it on the peg on the wall. The others seemed to be doing the same, and they shuffled around in silence, taking off their snow gear at various speeds. Richie expectedly, was the exception, as he did _not_ wear a coat to school- and was talking the whole time. Eddie hoped he wasn’t sick due to his lack of coat- because they had had their hands all over each other all day. Of course they had.

"Where's the birthday- Ah there she is! Come 'ere honey, Happy Birthday!" Maggie said, entering the room and pulling Bev into a hug. As most hugs went involving the Losers- they had all piled on, causing Maggie to laugh sweetly and squeeze them tighter.

"Wait, we're missing one! I can feel it!" Maggie giggled, looking down at all of the kids. "Where's Mike?"

"Ah, Homeschool is at, homeschool. I'm sure he'll make his fashionably late entrance shortly." Richie answered.

"Well let's wait for him then, and in the meantime, we'll set everything up! Eddie and Stan, I appoint you to present duty- get all of 'em and just set them on the table-"

And that's just what Eddie did. With permission, of course, he rummaged through everyone's bags and retrieved their gifts, giving them to Stan to set on the table. 

Eddie took his time rummaging to admire the house he loved so much, the Tozier house being more of a home than anything ever was to him. You could tell that the Tozier’s house was really their own- little pieces of their lives, or things that were so very _them_ in every corner. Fresh cookies on the table at all times, dusty contacts in the medicine cabinet, newspapers piled on the coffee table, flipped right to the comics. Their fridge was especially a standout, with pictures of family trips, tests, and even some photos of the Losers- all stuck on lovingly with a colorful magnet. He loved the hospitality of the family, and how they had so easily welcomed him. He felt quite the same with the Losers, who were his favorite family in the world. He could never guess why God let him be so lucky to find them, his Losers (not counting the horrible circumstances in which it happened) . However, he supposed that this kind of luck was too good to be caused by God- as he thought most things were. 

Eddie especially loved how he had grown with all of them, how he had developed his own personal dynamic with each and every one of his friends. Showing more on a day like today, he loved how he had grown with Beverly, how he had gone from showing her evil glares to letting her paint his nails on occasion. He didn't realize before how similar he and Beverly were- what they could bond over and talk about, but he was so grateful that he did eventually.

\------

"Wh-what's your wh-wish, Bev?" Bill asked softly, the light of the candles illuminating his face.

"Well if I tell you, it'll never come true, William," Bev snickered, smiling widely. "Now let me blow out my candles before your spit does it first."

Maggie had pulled out her camera, filming the occasion. All of the Losers gathered around the table, and even Went, who had gotten home from work only an hour ago. She stood behind the camera- smiling widely at the group in front of her. Eddie had inadvertently fit himself right into Richie's side, watching and smiling at Bev, and little did he know, Maggie had gotten _that_ on video too. They watched Bev blow out her candles and silently make her wish, tears forming in the corner of her eyes.

"Bev, you okay?" Ben asked, reaching out a hand to touch her shoulder. Bev put her hand right atop his in response, a gesture they almost always did.

"Yeah, I'm fine," She smiled at Ben, and Eddie could swear he saw Ben's blush from across the table. "I'm just really happy to have you guys, I love all of you so much. Thank you."

" 'Course Bevvie." Eddie started, smiling at her. "We love you too, always, even though I used to hate you and stuff-"

"God, remember that? Eds, you had it _out_ for her I-" Richie seemed to notice everyone looking at him, and he silenced briefly, before smiling at Bev. "I mean, love you too, Marsh. You're pretty rad if I do say so myself."

"I guess we're all saying I love you, so, I love you, Bev. I know you said thank you to us, but, thank _you."_ Stan just nodded at her, smiling. Bev went to mess up his hair, and he accepted the gesture before fixing it again. Before Richie could make any sort of noise of offense, Mike took his turn.

"Yeah, I love you too Bev. You have a pretty mean rock throw, and I'm sure you're the second most scary girl I know, besides my mom." Mike laughed sweetly, and the whole table did the same.

Bill had just hugged her quietly from his place next to her, and Ben had smiled bashfully at her- the gesture showing all the love he couldn’t say, but could easily write down.

Maggie, after showing her own appreciation, was wildly dabbing at her eyes with a napkin, earning laughs from the group. She just brushed them off- not before getting a kiss on the cheek and a “thank you, Dear” from Went- and made her way to get a knife for the cake, taking the pastry with her. She mostly did so to give herself more room, but also because she didn’t trust her own son not to bury his face in it before everyone could get a slice.

All the kids had taken their seats now, tired of standing around. Bev sat at the head of the table, Eddie and Ben next to her, and the rest of the Losers filling the remaining seats.

"Hey, Ed," Bev whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. Eddie didn't question it, just chuckling and whispering back.

"What do you want, Bevvie?"

"Thanks for not hating me anymore. I'm glad you unbunched your tighty-whities and realized I wouldn't snatch Ri- everyone away." Eddie flicked her ear, and Bev just laughed at him.

"Yeah yeah, Marsh. Wait- what were you-"

"Cake time baby! Mom! Mom! I want the first piece!" Richie cut him off unknowingly, pointing wildly at the first piece of cake on a plate.

"Oh, you hush over there, Richard! Bev gets the first piece- sweetie come up here- Wait! Actually, I'll bring it right over!" Eddie laughed at Maggie's mess of words, and looked to Richie, for no reason in particular, of course.

\------

"Okay, bye guys! Get home safe!" Eddie yelled from out of the door to Mike and Bill, who just saluted him in response.

He shut the door carefully, but if he had turned around he would have realized-

"Boo!" Richie and Bev yelled, pushing Eddie lightly. He jolted, yelping in response.

"Ah! Fuck- I mean, no wait- Fuck! I hate you guys!" Eddie yelled, laughing at the two in front of him. Richie and Bev, afraid of the damage Eddie would do to them, ran up the stairs for dear life, and Eddie followed suit.

In all, the night went well. Eddie thought about this as he laid in bed, tucked into Richie's side, with Bev right next to him. The two slept soundly next to him, as they had just crashed and burned from their sugar high. Eddie laughed lightly at that, and just looked up at the neon sticky stars on Richie's ceiling- the ones that had matched his own.

His last thought, before he drifted softly into sleep, was that he had sure had a blast at Bev's birthday bash.


	15. Eddie Kaspbrak and The Rainbow Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has come to a realization. Not that he's "travel sized" like Richie says, not that he's bad at math like his grades say, or that he's "weak" like his mother still loves to claim. No- he's realized something that no one ever told him that he could be before, that he could _do_ before. Eddie Kaspbrak has made the rainbow connection. Finally- it all makes sense.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and The Rainbow Connection- June 1990

**I think it’s all so stupid because I love you.**

_-1984-_

_"Hey, Spaghetti! I- what are you doing?"_

_Richie had walked in on Eddie jumping wildly up and down on the ground, grunting in frustration- slapping the ceiling of his bedroom._

_"I- uh- I can do it!" -jump- "No, I-" -jump- "Heck!"_

_Eddie had stopped jumping and finally exhaled, wiping the sweat off of his brow, and bent down to do the same to the back of his knees. Richie watched all of this in amazed confusion- dumbfounded, and still standing under the doorframe._

_" 'M tryin' to put those sticky stars you gave me on my ceilin'. I can't reach but, I can do it! Don' help me!" Eddie commanded, pointing a small finger at Richie._

_"Okay boss," Richie laughed, "But I'm sure it'd be a lot a lot easier if I helped because I'm-"_

_"Shut up! I can do it!"_

_"Okay, okay, fine!" Richie relented, taking a seat on Eddie's bed, which he questioned why Eddie wasn't standing on in the first place. He made himself comfortable, relishing in his correctness, which often was never a possibility. Richie sat, for maybe around eight minutes, before Eddie had finally given in. Richie was in absolute stitches by the time the boy had asked, holding his chest, laughing wildly._

_"Hey- hey! Can you help me? 'M too short." Eddie asked, his tone softening as he gave in._

_"Why don't we- here, Eds-" Richie got off of the bed, and bent his knees, lowering himself down. Eddie seemed to get the message and shook his head back and forth in petrified protest, gripping the bag of stars in his tiny hand tighter. "Get on my back, so you can put em' on. Oh come on, I don't bite!"_

_"If you drop me- I- Woah!"_

_Little did Richie know, the only reason he had offered that plan was because he wanted to touch Eddie. Little did Eddie know, he only accepted for the same reason._

\------

"Well, later lovah!" Richie saluted. As soon as that, he was out Eddie's bedroom, and out the window.

Oh, oh fuck.

Maybe it was his words, or the sense of him leaving, or something, but Eddie felt a pang of hurt ring out in his chest. Butterflies had taken flight in his stomach, and his joints had grown weak and motionless. He felt a red hot heat surge up to his face and practically engulf him in its flames. Eddie could only hear the unsteady thump of his heartbeat as he looked up to the ceiling.

_'Please, God',_ Eddie thought, looking up to his stars. _'Please don't let me feel what I think I'm feeling. It's wrong and it's him and-'_

Eddie could bet his pleas were not heard as he sank into his bed- feeling like he was falling into an abysmal pit. All he wanted to do was run away, but he couldn’t- he was frozen- stuck falling deeper and deeper. He felt weightless most of all, but at the same time, he weighed everything in the world. Richie's had words replayed in his head like a broken record.

_(Later,LovahLater,LovahLater,LovahLa)_

His heart felt like mush, and he could only breathe in shaky, uneven breaths. Eddie considered for a moment if it could just be an incredibly intense asthma attack, or maybe some sort of stomach bug, but it couldn't be. He knew exactly what it was.

Eddie still laid in his bed, still sinking further even after minutes, maybe hours had passed. He was just thinking. Panicking, and thinking.

Eddie thought of every nickname Richie Tozier had ever called him, and every time they had ever touched. Eddie thought of the time Richie had given him that _Capitan Midnight_ red ruby ring from his cereal box, because he thought it "suited" Eddie. He thought of the nights Richie would spend in his bed, climbing through his window and talking himself into a comfortable sleep, and how it had just happened the night previous. He thought of times at the Capitol Theater arcade and unwillingly shared ice creams. Eddie thought about Bill Denbrough briefly- how Bill was a _hero,_ Bill was _pretty,_ and how was protective over him- like Eddie was just another Georgie.

Eddie even thought about the leper from the Neibolt house, and for a brief moment, how it had sounded exactly like Richie Tozier.

God, even the _clown_ had known before him.

Eddie had spent a few more minutes, or hours- he wasn't sure, overthinking everything. He still refused to tell himself what was happening- just continuing to sink further. He wondered how far he was down now. A small part of his brain was _restless,_ blaming his demeanor on possible diseases, rather than coming to terms with-

He had nothing to come to terms _with._

It was just some sort of glitch in the system, maybe a fever, maybe even the _clown,_ but Eddie wouldn't even let his mind drift that far. That’s all it was. It was _nothing._

But _God,_ he needed to do something. He opened his eyes- and found he wasn’t somewhere like the core of the Earth, instead, just in his bed. Eddie looked at the stars on the ceiling once again and felt the same initial pang of loneliness that had led him down the spiral. He shut his eyes again in defeat, and tried to talk in his head to anyone who would listen.

_"Hi, I'm Eddie Kaspbrak. I need someone to listen to me. I have a problem."_

Silence. Great.

_"Okay, well. I'm going to keep talking."_ Eddie shut his eyes tighter and tried to sink further into his bed again. It didn't work.

_"I- I have a feeling- I think something is wrong with me."_

Still, silence. Eddie tried to imagine he was somewhere else. He ended up in his old house in Florida.

_"Okay, um, I didn't expect to get here. Anyway, I think I li-"_

Eddie stopped in the middle of his thought. The TV in his dream-house had flickered on and started to make noise. It was a familiar picture on the screen, but he couldn't place it. Music started to play from the television.

_"Wh- what is-"_

Eddie felt a soft banjo melody wash over his ears. He almost instantly recognized the tune. 

_"Wait this- this is-"_

Eddie's eyes had shot open abruptly, and he felt himself jump out of the bed. All of the movements had happened so fast- almost like he wasn't the one moving. He grabbed a pair of safety scissors from his desk, making sure he was holding them the right way before he made his way down the stairs. He got his shoes on quickly, wasting no time. He didn't even know what he would be wasting time _for,_ but he didn't question it.

He didn't dare question anything right now.

Eddie didn't even hear his mother yell for him out of the door, he had already gotten his bike out of the garage, mounted it, and started riding toward god knows where. He started working up speed, pedaling madly like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. For a quick moment, Eddie thought that this must be what Bill Denbrough felt like on a daily, riding his giant, stupid bike like he was trying to beat the devil. 

Eddie must have been too lost in thought to see where he was headed. He didn't realize the open road he was riding on, the full, lush trees and bushes behind the guardrail. He didn't realize the old, worn and wooden bridge, the first thing that had ever struck his eye in Derry, Maine.

_Oh, oh fuck._

Eddie stopped, and swung his legs over the bike, letting it drop carelessly to the concrete below. He made his way over to the bridge, letting each step sink into the earth.

_'I can't believe I'm doing this what the fuck what the fuck I'm-'_

Eddie let his hand touch the bridge, wary of splinters, but just grazing over the carvings. Slowly, he lent down, gripped the scissors tighter, and brought them up to the bridge. The blades made barely a nick before Eddie had started to wheeze. His free hand tried to grab for his fanny pack at his waist, but it was no use. He had left it at home- he had sadly retrieved it from the Neibolt house after that horrid day, but he had never used it, or any of its contents since.

He tried to bring up the scissors once again, shutting his eyes tight. He exhaled, trying to ease his panic, and opened them.

The scissors were touching the bridge.

Before he could pull them away again, before he could realize just exactly what he was doing- he carved into it, pressing the blades forcefully into the wood.

An _'R'_ with a heart around it.

He looked at his work, seeing it was sloppy and jagged. The carving almost told his tale of impulse, of messiness and realization.

Eddie couldn't bear to see it any longer, he didn't want to face what it meant. It meant-

He walked back to his bike, picking it up from where it laid astray on the road and rode back toward his house like nothing had happened.

Eddie Kaspbrak had realized a plethora of things that day, but most of all, he had made the rainbow connection.


	16. Eddie Kaspbrak and The Blame Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak has holed himself up in his house, and is almost positive he's never going to come out- in more ways than one. Every step he takes up his creaky stairs, just makes the feeling grow stronger. And then he opens his door.

### Eddie Kaspbrak and Blame Game- June 1990

**I’m leaving every time I have ever wanted to kiss you,...**

If Eddie Kaspbrak heard another laugh track, he was going to hurl himself out of the window.

It had been two days since _"the incident",_ or, Eddie unlodging his head from his ass, and realizing he was-

He wasn't even going to say it.

But it had been _days_ nonetheless, and he had stayed hidden in his house, away from everyone who could find out. This, of course, _elated_ Sonia Kaspbrak, but Eddie was sure the tables would turn if she knew the real reason for his avoidance of his friends.

So that's how he got here, sitting in his stuffy living room with Sonia, on the plastic-covered couch- his thighs sticky and mood sour. He hated everything about his current situation. The underdone, under-seasoned TV dinner in front of him, the large, loud woman beside him, and that goddamned laugh track drilling into his ears.

"I love it when you're actually down here Eddie-Bear, makes me so relieved that you aren't hanging around with your delinquent friends." Sonia chirped. Eddie just nodded and hummed in response, not wanting to listen. He tried to shovel more of the horrible food in his mouth, in an attempt to save himself from hearing his mother talk, and to get himself out of the living room earlier. Eddie wasn't surprised to find that the food was cold in the middle, and he winced, scrunching his nose in disgust. He hoped Sonia hadn't noticed.

He finished the food anyway and got up from the couch, almost retching at the way his thighs unstuck from the plastic, and took his and Sonia's empty trays to the trash. He discarded the food with a flick of his wrist, and washed his hands- making his way upstairs with haste afterward. Eddie had tried to quietly traipse across the floor and up the stairs, grateful for his current lack of shoes, but Sonia had heard him anyway.

"Eddie-Bear, where are you _going?"_

"Just upstairs, Ma." Eddie said curtly, rolling his eyes.

"Make sure you're careful, don't run. You could hurt yourself, you're fragile Eddie. I would hate to-"

Eddie sighed, purposely walking faster up the stairs.

"Fragile my _ass._ Delinquent friends my _ass."_ Eddie muttered under his breath, shaking his head. "Well, maybe I _am_ a delinquent-"

Eddie stopped as he opened the door, mouth agape and eyes wide. Richie Tozier was in his bed.

"Well gee, don't look so happy to see me, Spaghedward. Where have you been the last few days? Thought you finally kicked the bucket!"

Eddie still stood, frozen. Richie was the _last_ person he wanted to see right now. He must have looked like a dehydrated goldfish, closing and opening his mouth, trying to force out coherent words to no avail.

"Wh- why are you in my room?" Eddie managed to squeak out weakly.

"Uh, because I'm your bestest friend in the entire world and I miss you-r mom?" Richie phrased this as more of a question, which left Eddie impossibly more flustered. He could swear he heard Richie mutter "Nice save" under his breath, but he wasn't going to question that out of anything right now.

"Oh- okay." Eddie sat down next to him, because as much as he didn't want to, he had to act normal. He was 'Eddie Kaspbrak: A-okay and totally not gay.' Yes, that.

He leaned back, closing the window, as to not let any bugs in. He sat back up and made sure to avert his eyes from Richie. This was going to be harder than he thought.

"You okay? Eds, you look like you're about to- I don't even know. You good? You want me to leave? I mean it's not cold out and I can just-"

"No!" Eddie said abruptly. He immediately closed his hands over his mouth, suddenly all too aware that Sonia was downstairs.

"I- uh- you can stay. I'm fine. I've just been here because I think I got a cold, I don't wanna get you guys sick, you know?" Eddie tried to reason. He got a confused nod from Richie, not even knowing if the other boy could decipher his fast-paced words. "You can stay here, sleepover if you want. Sorry, I-"

"Hey, hey," Richie started softly, putting a hand on Eddie's cheek. Oh god, he couldn't handle this. He could even _feel_ his face go red, but Richie must have ignored it, as he kept talking. Of course. "Slow down Eds, you're talkin' a mile a minute. It's just me, yeah?"

_"Yeah,"_ Eddie thought, _"That's my whole fucking problem."_

\------

The night went on, albeit painfully slow. It had been late now, much, much too late for Eddie to still be awake, but he couldn't imagine being able to sleep _now._ How did he do this before? How did he ever get this close to Richie before and just, not _know?_ How was he so painfully unaware? Earlier in the night, Richie had swung his arm over Eddie's waist- unconsciously, of course, and the boy could almost swear he saw the bright, all-encompassing lights of heaven right in front of him. He threw the limb right off of himself, of course, but he could still feel the heat rising to where it once was. He groaned quietly in frustration- as to not wake Richie up, and tried to go to sleep. Eddie had buried his face in his pillow, rolling and shifting every once in a while, but he still lied awake, restless and hopeless as ever.

He would be lying if he hadn't considered just _doing it._ Just blurting it out. It'd be like ripping off a band-aid, he'd done that many times before. If he just _told_ Richie, it would be over and done with, right? But, he couldn't help but think of the risks. This wasn't a cheesy soap opera Sonia had made him sit though, this was _life._ There was a lot more than a viewer count on the line, there was a _friendship._ Eddie just figured if he'd stay silent, it would pass. He could do that. He could watch Richie from afar, with his stupid hair and stupid jokes- with his stupid _everything._ If anyone could stay quiet out of the pair, it was him.

But he needed to say something now, otherwise, he might burst.

"Hey, Rich? You up? Wait- I know you aren't but, get up idiot." Eddie said, shaking the boy beside him. He knew Richie was a light sleeper, because what did he _not_ know about Richie Tozier, so it would be easy to wake him.

"Huh? Yeah, wuh?" Richie mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Eddie absolutely could not _stand_ the way Richie's eyelashes fluttered as he tried to wake himself up, but he pushed _that_ thought away quickly.

"I can't sleep."

"Good to know, chief." Richie yawned, chuckling at his remark. _'No, Eddie. That's dumb. he's dumb. It's not cute, shut up.'_

"Shut up, jackass." As Richie would say, nice save. "Can we just- can you- ah, fuck no it's stupid, just go back to-"

"I may be as awake as a dead dog right now, but I'll do anything to help you sleep. Tired or not. It' not stupid."

_'Does he want to kill me right now? God, why does he have to be so-'_

"I was going to ask if you uh- would just talk to me, or something. You don't need to I just-"

"You must really have a bad cold, Eds. Of course I'll talk to you, who do you think I am?"

So he did just that. They talked about everything and nothing- the words passing between them like a routine, the ease of their communication like second nature to both of them. The interaction was so innocent, so _nothing out of the ordinary-_ that Eddie couldn’t help but sink more- into the feeling, as opposed to the bed. Just something so domestic, and sweet, and _nothing._ Their eyes grew heavy as they both rambled on- voices slurred and eyes fluttering open and closed. Slowly, they grew tired and the sky grew lighter right along with them. And as Eddie shifted toward the other boy, fitting right into his side as he always did, he knew he would have to do something about this. 

Eddie Kaspbrak certainly couldn't play the blame game any longer.


	17. Eddie Kaspbrak Feels The Music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak is tired of waiting. Really, really tired. If he doesn't say something soon, he's going to burst. It'd bs easier if only he knew _how_ to say it. God, this is going to be harder than he thought.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Feels The Music- November 1991

**I can’t fucking believe that I couldn’t tell you this to your face.**

Eddie Kaspbrak had just got soap in his eye.

Great, this was already turning out to be an _amazing_ day. Not only was he going to _confess,_ as in tell Richie Tozier what he had been hiding for a year (or years?) now, but he had started it off with a burning eye.

He wouldn't let the suds in his cornea best him though, today was his day.

Eddie finished off his shower, rinsing out his hair, letting the hot water stream over him like liquid fire. He had always liked showers, for some reason, up until the clown incident when the fucking thing came out of the drain and threw slurs at him- but he was getting over that. Showers though had almost always made him feel _clean,_ as most things involving soap were intended to do. The hot water always made Eddie feel like he was being stripped of all of the bad things, the _dirty_ things- that's what Sonia called them at least. He didn't believe that so much now, but the thought always lingered.

He had never had a reason to consider himself dirty until now, but depending on how the day would go, maybe he wouldn't mind a little general filth.

Eddie had dried and dressed, giving himself a once over in the mirror. It was nothing special, hair done the same as always, just a boring, brunette mop, combed ever so slightly. He had been letting it grow out more these days, much to Sonia's distaste, which he figured was the goal. Aside from that, he was clad in an old _Rolling Stones_ shirt he knew for a fact wasn't his- though he felt compelled to wear it for some _totally unknown reason,_ and his trademark red shorts. He was surprised they still fit, or were even still one piece of fabric after all of the wear they had been subjected to, but they were the only things not currently in the wash.

He decided he looked fine, he needed to stop stressing out.

_'I don't even have a plan, what am I going to do? I can't just waltz right over there and say "Hey, shitbird! I want to kiss you, maybe, please don't feel weird!" This is stupid. God, what do I-'_

That was it! God!

Eddie still didn't understand jack shit about it, God and all of that, and even though he still had no interest in understanding, he knew just what to do. If not for the clubhouse, or the quarry, or the Tozier's house, his favorite place would be the Neibolt Street Church School, specifically on Saturdays. He had never actually stepped foot into the building, but he loved sitting on the grass behind it and hearing the music from inside. The music never sounded too religious to Eddie, more like the people singing were actually _having fun_ doing so. He later learned it was gospel music, which his mother had told him was sung by black people, but he had no reason to like it any less due to the fact.

He loved how the music had always made him _feel_ things- things he was never exactly sure of, but he knew they were good. The tune flowing into his ears, spreading throughout him, almost like he was radiating with it- a _good,_ whole feeling. Sometimes, he would even dance along to it, smiling and shaking his head, feeling free and good and whole and _clean._ And strong- the powerful voices coming from inside the church made him feel strong too. 

So he had decided. He was going to take Richie up to the Neibolt Street Church School, and hopefully, feel a lot more than the music. Please, God, let him feel more than the music.

\------

"Eds, what are you-"

"Come on, we're going somewhere."

Richie Tozier was rightfully confused. Eddie Kaspbrak had shown up at his doorstep, unannounced, on a Saturday, and whisked him away from the stack of comics awaiting him. He was horribly unaware of Eddie's plan.

The pair had walked in silence, well, Richie walked, and Eddie had forcefully dragged him, almost sprinting. They made their way to the church without a peep though, up until now. 

"You sure are fast for an asthmatic, Kaspbrak." Richie snickered, the need to get a word in stronger than his confusion.

"Shut up, I don't have asthma anymore, idiot." Eddie had conveniently wheezed this out, which made Richie laugh even more. Eddie ignored him, his pace growing faster, and his grip on Richie's wrist tighter.

"Eds, seriously, what the hell are we doin'? You draggin' me to the slaughter?"

"I said shut up. And, no. I'm doing something important. When we get there, you better listen." Eddie said curtly, wanting the conversation to be over. He didn't even want there to be a conversation in the _first_ place, but his heart had mysterious ways of working. Damned, stupid heart.

"A-okay, Capitan. Whatever you say."

Richie's bewilderment only grew once he saw the church ahead. Eddie could tell that much, as Richie's hands started to get clammy, and his arm under Eddie's grip grew limp. Richie had started to mumble under his breath, but as close as they currently were, Eddie couldn't hear him.

"Rich, you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, chief." Richie rushed out blankly, walking faster.

_'Was this a bad idea? Shit. You know what, it can't get worse than this. Wait- it can because- Well fuck that, I'm just going to tell him. You're okay, Eds.'_

They made their way to the back and sat down, feeling the sun on their skin, and the cold October air over them. Eddie, trying to avoid what he was wanting to say, took note of the fallen leaves, all in warm, heated hues. He would have thought it to be quite scenic, if not for the jumble of thoughts racing in his head.

"So, don't leave me hangin' here, why are we at this joint?" Richie asked, trying to mirror casualty. He didn't succeed, as his voice was wavering.

"Well, uh," Eddie panicked, pinching his arm, hoping for some kind of support. It gave none. "I- listen to the music here sometimes- the stuff from inside. I think it’s nice."

"Yeah, it is nice, Spaghetti," Richie said shortly after, leaning his head back into the building with some intention to listen. Eddie hoped this could deter him from asking any more questions. He tried to focus on anything else, the sounds of birds, the rustling of leaves, the shapes of clouds, anything but Richie. That proved futile as the boy spoke again. God, would he stop doing that?

"Is this all you took me here for? It's _nice_ but, didn't you want to tell me somethin'?" Richie brought his hands up to adjust his glasses, staring wide-eyed at Eddie. Eddie wished he would stop doing that too, looking. Looking _at_ him, looking _for_ him, looking like _that._

"Well- uh, I don't know how to say it. I just- I wanted to tell you that- fuck," Eddie hated how _small_ he felt. He shut his eyes, not wanting Richie to see him- not even wanting to see anything himself. But that was the issue, right? He _did_ want to see Richie, he wanted to see him so _bad._ And dear _god_ did he want to tell him that. He wanted to tell him more, too. He wanted to tell Richie all the cheesy shit he had ever thought, how Richie was his sun and moon and stars and how he knew just how many freckles were on his face, and how he wanted to kiss every one. But all of it was too hard to say out loud. He wanted to tell Richie that his breath sounded pretty when he slept and that his hands were spindly but in a good way. He wanted to tell Richie that he _loved_ him.

"Eds, hey, here, don't cry. I'm right here. I'm here." Richie had reached out and touched his face, _again,_ and Eddie knew he wanted Richie to stop doing that too, but not really. He didn't even know he had started crying, too lost in thought. All he could do was look at Richie, feeling helpless otherwise.

"Yeah, I know. I- I know."

"You wanna head back home?" Eddie nodded his head back and forth, _no,_ he did _not_ want to go back home. He could muster up the guts to tell Richie- really he-

"You can tell me what you wanna tell me another day. Right now you're sad and maxed out and shit. I'll still be here tomorrow, or next week, and even fuckin' next year. And," Richie poked him in the nose, and Eddie laughed at the gesture, swatting him away. "There's my spaghetti, so uh, wait yeah- _and,_ you'll be here too."

Eddie couldn't help but smile at Richie's soft tone, his forgetfulness mid-sentence. Nothing about the interaction was new, but all of it felt so foreign. It all felt so filled with love. 

Love.

So, back home they walked, going their separate ways, though not parting before hugging. Eddie had been whistling, taking the long way back to his house as he almost always did. He let the leaves crunch beneath his feet, like an additional source of music. The walk had been normal, of course, one foot in front of the other, shoe soles slapping against the cement, sun shining down. That was of course, up until he saw the bridge.

The kissing bridge, where he had carved his confession more than a year ago. Where his carving looked measly to any other. Where his handiwork was just another dumb, hormonal teen exposing their thoughts to the world, right? The kissing bridge was also where a bold _'R+E'_ sat right above his own addition.

Eddie Kaspbrak knew that, if anything, he sure felt the music now.


	18. Eddie Kaspbrak Is A Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Loser Day today- a momentous occasion celebrated every third of July. Today, Eddie Kaspbrak is with his friends, and it couldn't get any better. That is, until it gets worse.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Is A Loser- July 1992

**...I'm leaving the houses you all built in my heart.**

Eddie Kaspbrak loved his friends.

Truly, he did. Even in a place like the arcade, always full of children, and filled with germs, he loved them. He knew he would love them anywhere.

Eddie wasn't actively doing anything now, per se, just watching. He had already had his fair share of fun for the day, fighting with Richie, getting bullied by Bev, reprimanded by Stan. All in a day's work. Eddie just took the time now to appreciate his friends, smiling softly under the gradually dimming lights of the Capitol Theater Arcade. After all, he didn't know how much longer he would have them for.

From where he was standing on the wildly patterned carpet, the vivid colors beneath his feet, he could see everyone. All the faces and bodies he loved, who had been well-loved over the years by none other than each other.

Eddie could see Beverly, smile shining bright, skin flawless and healed. Beverly Marsh was truly a goddess, gentle and kind and beautiful. Eddie had really never wished to find Beverly beautiful the way others did- because he could never truly understand. He didn't see what others saw in her, the striking physical beauty that set hearts and parts aflame. Instead, he had always seen something in her that he shared with the Losers, the real beauty of her personality. Her character, her strength, her resilience. That was what truly made Beverly Marsh beautiful.

He had even seen it on the days where Beverly would walk into the clubhouse, bruises blooming on her pale skin. Eddie couldn't help but notice how they stood out, purple and yellow petals that told the story that the stem they came from never could. On those days, they shared looks, ones of not so much understanding, but helplessness. The feeling of being trapped with someone, more so, some _thing,_ that you felt as if you couldn't escape. On those days, Eddie couldn't help but hug her. Just to wrap his small arms around her waist, not in means to touch her with the burning desire others did, but to show her that he _knew._ That he didn't understand but he would try to if it would make it all better. He would hug her to show that he loved her, because back then he didn't know the words to describe it.

Eddie could see Richie as well, at the coin-op machine for _Street Fighter._ He laughed, knowing that Richie could practically call that game a home, that memories Eddie could have not even known were etched into it, by no one other than Richie.

He loved thinking back to the start of it all, key moments in his and Richie's coexistence. The days where "Eddie and Richie" or "Richie and Eddie" wasn't something that was regularly rolled off of one's tongue. Eddie thought back to the first day he had fully spent with Richie- the day where Derry was truly their oyster. The pair had paraded around all day, waltzing through the streets and crosswalks like they had actually wished to call the shithole that is Derry, Maine, a home. That day, Eddie and Richie had played _Street Fighter,_ and Eddie was sure he had looked at Richie with the same, dopey smile he was now, only back then, he couldn't put a name to it, not knowing it was _love._ He was sure he had worn the same smile later that day too, when Richie had reached into his pocket and held out his bony hand, a cassette tape clenched in his grasp. He had stuttered out his words, sounding like Bill Denbrough, saying that the songs on the tape had reminded him of Eddie, and some on there were even Eddie's favorites. He would be lying if he said he didn't play that damn mixtape almost every day, and that there hadn't been millions since. He would be lying if he hadn't always second-guessed their meaning.

Eddie brought a hand up to his face, trying to cool the blush that he was sure had splayed across. He knew that Ben must have felt the same though- not concentrating on his game, but instead on Beverly.

Eddie had known that much, but only heard so from Ben Hanscom years ago. He had remembered asking exactly how Ben could love someone so close, from so far away. Eddie hadn't realized exactly what motivated him to ask the question, but he couldn't help but feel that Ben had always known why. Ben was always kind, always knowing. He had been used to witnessing so much from the outside, but Eddie took pride in the fact that the Losers had always given him a way to look in. But he had asked Ben that day, and saw the look of adoration in his eyes as he spoke. He said that after a while, it would get easier. That it was hard to grow angry because the love had always drowned it out. Ben had explained it like turning your headphones up to the highest volume, and letting the song blast loud and heavy until it was the only thing you could hear. Eddie only wished he could do as much, because the thoughts he had wanted to silence were about as silent as the boy causing them. He glanced at Ben again, and smiled, seeing the same look on his face now, the one he was wearing that day.

Ben had stood next to Stan, playing what seemed to be pinball. It was hard to tell. But Eddie knew for sure that he saw the radiant smile on Stan's face, the one that the Losers themselves were often not privy to seeing.

Eddie remembered seeing that look for the first time, and that it was on a warm summer day in August. Bill and Richie had been occupied, trying something dumb together. Probably skateboarding, from what Eddie could remember. Being the only one left- Stan had taken him bird watching. The thought at first had not been exciting, staying _still_ and _silent_ were not Eddie's favorite things to do. But he had done them anyway, for Stan. He would do anything for Stan. That sentiment had proved itself that day, seeing the look of _joy_ on Stanley's face, who had just spotted a bird he hadn't yet seen. Eddie sometimes found himself thinking of birds, how such a small creature could be so _fascinating,_ so utterly _intriguing_ to someone. But then again, if Eddie could just fly away or escape, spend winters somewhere warmer and safer for a change- he wouldn't pass it up. Eddie knew Stan wouldn't either, he just hoped Stan would never leave without them.

Eddie looked to Mike, throwing basketballs with Bev now by his side. They were sharing laughs, throwing the stuffed balls at each other every once in a while. Eddie found himself laughing too, though quietly and to himself. He was just so overtaken by the feeling of _love._

Eddie found himself remembering when Mike Hanlon was the one they were throwing _for,_ before they had ever known him. The day of the Apocalyptic Rock Fight was just that- apocalyptic. That day, the Lucky Seven had been brought to its namesake, and the relationships forged had never lessened. Through Eddie's anger that day, caused by the flying gravel targeting his _friends-_ targeting an innocent _kid,_ Mike had calmed him down and comforted him, despite not even knowing his name. Eddie knew he loved Mike Hanlon for all he was worth, as soon as he had held his hand and led him out of the makeshift warzone, protecting Eddie in a way he had never experienced. He couldn't fathom how Mike could be so _gentle,_ despite the harsh words thrown at him every day. Those were possibly even worse than the rocks. Eddie loved Mike for his strength and almost immediate loyalty, but most of all for his _heart,_ which was the bravest and most loving thing Eddie had ever seen- even without seeing it.

Finally, Eddie had wistfully turned to the boy beside him, Bill Denbrough, who was trading in his hoard of tickets for a prize. He had acted like he didn't see the sailor hat Bill was looking at, and that he knew exactly why Bill had wanted it.

Eddie remembered the stream in the Denbrough's backyard, where the two would play pretend for hours, escaping from their already small worlds. Eddie remembered the last time he was there, when Georgie had led the pair out, just wanting to sit and watch the rocks flow over the river. He tried not to think about how almost a year later, Georgie's blood would look just the same. Eddie remembered how Georgie had asked Bill if he could show him how to make a paper boat, and Bill had only commented with a "Thuh-this would be the puh-perfect place to ruh-ruh-race it," rather than giving him an answer. Georgie seemed not to mind though, smiling widely with the teeth that would soon be rotted and decayed- the baby teeth he had never gotten to lose. Eddie had loved them both, at that moment, knowing that they would always be his family. 

So as Eddie Kaspbrak left the arcade that day, riding in Mike Hanlon's bike basket for old time's sake, the dim light of the sun shining, the orange sky casting a glow over them, he knew how great it was to be a Loser, capital "L". Eddie knew he would never change it for the world.

That was until it would need to change, when Eddie saw the "For Sale" sign on his lawn, as bright and blinding as the sky was not.


	19. Eddie Kaspbrak Makes A Move

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak is moving away, really, truly leaving. And now, he needs to make his move in more ways than one.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Makes A Move- August 1992

**I hope that I remember you, Richie Tozier.**

"Hi, guys."

"Eddie, what's up? Is everything okay?" Mike asked, reaching his hand out to hold Eddie’s. Eddie just let it happen, wanting to not feel much, even though it felt like everything.

_'No,'_ Eddie thought, _'Not anymore.'_

Eddie Kaspbrak would be out of Derry and far away this time next year. Really, he should have been ecstatic to leave this shithole. It should have put an extra spring in his step. But it didn't, nothing even close to it. He felt like he was sinking, and would continue to sink until the world forcefully brought him back up, just to let him sink again. Eddie felt like the earth he walked on, the world as he knew it, was always just quicksand in disguise. He had been false in thinking he had always wanted to run away- he wanted to stay right here.

"Well, uh, I guess I should tell you guys why I made you all come here." Eddie said, looking around at the space. They were in the clubhouse, the secret hideout Ben had built for them years ago. The place felt like such a home, so very _them-_ though dimly lit and messy in every form. Maybe the clubhouse was a loser too, it definitely looked like one.

Eddie's eyes landed on their faces, remembering that one was missing today. No one had heard anything from Richie over the last few days, but Eddie's window and mind had remained open. He'd turn up. 

Despite his absence, Eddie continued on. He thought it might be easier if Richie hadn't been there.

"So um- shit," Eddie started, his hands balling into fists near his sides. He opened them uneasily, and clasped them together at his lap. He averted his gaze to the floor, deciding to break the news to the worn, dirty wood.

"I'm moving next year. My m- _Sonia_ put the house up for sale and we're leaving." Eddie spoke in disdain, rather than sadness. He couldn't be _sad._ There was nothing he could _do._ Eddie Kaspbrak was helpless, yet again.

"Oh, honey-" Bev cooed, leaning forward, her head in her hands and elbows on her knees. It was a simple gesture, knowingly not touching him, but testing the waters and coming closer. Eddie smiled at her weakly.

"Wuh-well at least you have a yuh-year left, right? You guh-get to finish off thuh-this summer, the scuh-school year, and then wuh-we can jam-pack the last suh-summer with a bunch of shuh-shit. We'll all be huh-here." Bill said, keeping his eyes on Eddie. Eddie tried to meet his gaze, but couldn't do it without his eyes watering. He wiped them fiercely, almost scratching himself in the process.

"Hey," Ben started softly, looking at everyone. The Losers shot up, attentive. "Remember that time we all went to Eddie's house, and snuck him out so we could go dance at the quarry?" Ben had brought his gaze to Eddie now, and neither of them could help but smile. He loved Ben so much.

"Yeah, and then we hung Richie's stupid walkman on that tree, and Bev accidentally kicked it-"

"And it flew into the water! Oh my god he was so mad at me!" Bev laughed loudly, covering her mouth. The sound echoed through the clubhouse, beautiful as ever.

"I remember, Eddie, you kept trying to run away from Richie because he wanted to dance with you, so you kept trying to dance with me." Mike chuckled softly, wagging his finger at Eddie and himself.

"And then Richie tried to keep dancing with _me,"_ Stan laughed, "Too bad we always get the short end of the stick, Eddie."

Eddie could almost _hear_ the height remark Riche would have made in his head, and he found himself smiling. That just made the tears rush to his eyes again, and he swiped them away before they could fall, more careful this time.

The Losers all laughed at Stan's remark, sounds all mixing together beautifully in the humid air. Eddie loved times like this, he couldn't fathom them coming to an end so soon.

Ben stifled his laughter, and started talking again. They welcomed the sound, all quieting down.

"So, let's just try to remember the good memories today, rather than focusing on what's going to happen. We can all ignore that for a little, right, Eddie?"

"Right," Eddie started. He didn't mind to wipe the tears this time, it was no use. His smile was almost as watery and shaky as the tears themselves. "Yeah, of course. Thank you guys, I love you."

\------

Eddie had started making his way home not too long after, the emotion was unsurprisingly draining. He walked along slowly, letting himself sink, and taking in everything around him, as if it was the very last time. He let himself stare at every tree, and study every pebble. Eddie had never been one to pay attention to detail, or read the fine print, especially not in a place like Derry. The only thing that was ever special about the town, were some select people in it. Eddie looked around, only because there was always a memory. Every flower made him think of the ones Bev would put in her hair, every tree looked like one Richie had climbed, every rock was like a little piece of the quarry Eddie and Stan had sunbathed on while the others swam. Everything in this town was really _nothing_ to everyone else- just a rock, just a flower, just a tree. And though Eddie hated it here- he couldn’t think that some of those _nothings_ meant _everything_ to him.

Eddie found himself at the bridge, not realizing he had even been taking the long way home. Every time Eddie had ever encountered the Kissing Bridge, it had been inadvertent. The thought made him laugh, the sound coming out more forced than joyful. There had always been an air of tension around the bridge, even before Eddie had made his mark in it. However, that didn't matter. Eddie would accept the tension, because he knew that he had to. He looked at it, the wood uneven and jagged from decades of confessions, the moss that grew atop it, the vines that shot up the bridge and squeezed like pythons. He had still never known why he was drawn to it, but Eddie didn't know why he was drawn to a lot of things, so the thought passed. He had stared down his carving, and found himself feeling like the same thirteen year old boy who had carved it years ago, and when looking at the one above it, felt like the same fourteen year old who had found it, and wished. Wished so hard for it to be about him, and the boy he loved. Eddie hadn't realized he had started crying again, now too lost in thought about-

"Hiya stranger." Richie greeted, tapping Eddie's shoulder. Eddie could almost hear the smile in his voice, and he felt his heart twist. _God,_ how was he going to _tell_ him?

"Eds I- wait, are you okay?" Eddie had turned around, sun reflecting off of his tear stained cheeks- of course Richie had to notice. He had gone to wipe at Eddie's eyes, but the domestic gesture only sparked more tears. The dam was broken, and Derry's own flood of 1992 was starting in Eddie's eyes.

"No, I'm- I'm not okay, I'm gonna be mo-"

"Moving." Richie finished for him. Eddie nodded, but backed away sharply. How did he-

"How did you know?" Eddie asked softly, peering at Richie through his eyelashes. 

"That's why I've been dead for the past few days, actually. I was gonna come over to your house after Mike dropped you off on Loser day, but I saw the sign on your lawn and I just- went back home. I know, it's stupid I just-"

"It's not stupid, Stupid, I get it." Eddie laughed uneasily. He hated that Richie made him happier by just _standing_ there, but he still couldn't wrap himself around the fact of why Richie was here. He was _moving away._ Eddie was moving away and would probably be doing so without-

"Wait, you were gonna tell me something when you got over here, what was it?"

_'Deflecting, again. Just tell him he's right there just-'_

"No, it's nothing. It's stupid and, it's kind of too late now-"

"Rich, tell me, please." Eddie felt his heart rate quicken, his whole chest felt light.

"Well I've wanted to tell you this for a really long time, and I just don't want it to mess anything up between us, you know? I mean-"

The feeling moved to Eddie's head, and he felt weightless. Whatever the feeling was, it was overtaking him. He felt butterflies pool in his stomach.

"-And all those jokes I made, they were just to hide- uh- I always called you things and joked with you because-"

The feeling had bubbled over like boiling water, it _burst._

"-I like you, Eddie. I really fucking-"

Eddie cut him off. He had heard enough to be sure, hell he was more sure of this than he was anything, ever.

Eddie Kaspbrak was kissing Richie Tozier.

Eddie was shaking almost, he felt himself go weak kneed, and he held onto Richie's waist for support. Some time ago, Richie's hand had made it to Eddie's cheek, and Eddie had put his other hand right over it, holding Richie's.

_'Ohmygodohmygod I'm doing it it's happening and he's not pulling away he's ohmygodohmy-'_

The two had bumped teeth and pulled away, laughing. Well, it had to happen some time.

"Uh, wait shit sorry are you okay did I-"

"I- I'm fine, Eds. Just, woah." Richie's pupils were blown, his already dark eyes looking even darker behind his glasses. Richie looked- dare he say it- _amazed._ He looked beautiful. The kind of beautiful he truly understood.

"Hey, Rich?", Eddie asked, smiling. Richie had been too caught up in how Eddie looked in the light to hear. The sun's rays had reflected in his hair perfectly, and even made the tears still on his cheeks beautiful, like little streams of light. He relished how he had looked just then, because he knew the light would never be the same. Eddie laughed despite Richie being obviously spaced out.

"Hey, earth to dickwad!" Eddie giggled, hitting Richie's arm. He kept his hand there.

"Huh? Wait uh, sorry." Richie adjusted his glasses quickly, an uncontrollable smile adorning his face.

"Remember that one time I took your dumbass up to the church school, and I really wanted to tell you something, but I never did?" Before Richie could respond, Eddie cut in again. "This was it," Eddie said, pointing to his carving on the bridge. 

He had only done so to distract Richie, and as the other boy went to point to his own, Eddie kissed him again, quickly this time.

"Oh, and I wanted to tell you that too, idiot."

Eddie could never be happier than in this moment. Despite why he had done it, Eddie Kaspbrak had just made his move.


	20. Eddie Kaspbrak Wants To Dance With Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Loser Prom Night, and everyone is aware but Eddie Kaspbrak. All dressed up, set up, made up, the Losers are ready to party like it's the very last time. Well- it almost is.

### Eddie Kaspbrak Wants To Dance With Somebody- March 1992

**Store those memories somewhere in that head of yours….**

Eddie Kaspbrak is stranded in the back of a truck.

Well, that sounds a little dramatic, but it is true. The Losers had picked him up and told him that they had a "surprise", and while they went to set up, they made him stay in the back of Mike's truck. He didn't know what was going on really, but he figured it was some kind of party, as everyone including himself were dressed up, and he could hear Beverly and Richie arguing about music.

"Who forgot the disco ball! Where's the disco ball!"

"Fuck your disco ball Marsh, who put this on the oldies station! The _oldies!_ Do you people forget about my impeccable taste?"

"Well, you clearly don't have an impeccable taste because you claim to be boning Eddie's _mother_ every night-"

"I can _hear_ you guys!" Eddie yelled from the bed of the truck. He didn't know where they were, as he wasn't allowed to turn around, but he knew they could hear him from where he was. "You don't want me to figure out about your present, do you?"

"Just stay back there for a few more minutes!" Mike yelled back, preoccupied, struggling with cords.

"Hey- no I got this! Spaghetti Man, I'll be right there!"

Eddie smiled at the nickname, huffing and slumping back down. He ran his hand through his hair, fixing it just incase-

_'You don't need to fix your hair, idiot. You don't even need to impress him, you basically go googly eyes on each other daily, not to mention all the ki-'_

"Well howdy, ain't you the purdiest boy I's ever seen!" Richie said in a southern accent, tipping an invisible hat. Eddie was proud of him- though he would likely never say it- his voices had gotten better. Richie walked around the side, and grabbed Eddie's hands, ready to pull him out of the truck.

"Dickwad let me use the stairs this is unsafe-"

"Oh come on, I'm being romantic!" 

Eddie just shot him a look, before freeing his hands to fix Richie's collar. The boy went red at the touch, and Eddie laughed.

"Idiot, I'll be right there." He scooted over to the door on the side, opening it and climbing down the small stairs. He walked to where Richie was, nudging him in the side.

"Now, is someone going to tell me what this is all for?" Eddie asked, gesturing his hand to what was behind him without looking back. He may be stubborn, but he wouldn't ruin a surprise.

"No, I will _not_ tell you, as I have been advised to, but I do have a question for you." 

"Oh, and what might that be?" Eddie questioned, moving closer to Richie again. He began to adjust Richie's suit, straightening his tie, fiddling with his blazer. He knew how to get an answer out of Richie- when he was distracted, he would spill anything.

"Would you stop that you little gremlin-" Richie laughed, pushing Eddie off of him. "My suit is _fine,_ and I'm not telling you shit." Damn, Richie was onto him.

"Ugh, fine, so you had a question?"

"Yes, _thank you,_ Eduardo. I was wondering, since I'm mostly single, you're mostly single- You wanna go to prom with me?" 

_Mostly single? Did he mean they were-_

"Wh- I'm not gonna be here for prom, dickhead, you know that. But, uh, yeah, sure. I mean, our suits would match if we wore the same ones." Eddie laughed, pointing to their party attire.

They had coordinated, joking that it'd be their first official date- even though they weren't even dating. Eddie didn't know what they were right now, actually, but he _did_ know that it wasn't platonic, and also that their suits looked "totally rad". Eddie wore a navy blue blazer and pants, with a baby blue undershirt and a pink bowtie. Richie had called him _"stunning",_ but he had just blushed, and said, _"you too."_ Maybe it wasn't stunning to anyone else's eyes, but Richie Tozer sure did look like _something,_ in a baby blue suit with a navy tie and pink Hawaiian shirt underneath. It was very, _Richie,_ and of course, Eddie couldn't seem to look away.

"Hey guys, come on! This prom isn't gonna start itself! Get a move on!"

\------

"You guys- you guys really threw a whole prom, just for me?" Eddie asked, curling himself into Richie's side.

"Of course, I mean, you aren't gonna be here for the actual one right? So, we all figured we'd pitch in and give you the experience, but _Loser style."_ Ben said, smiling. Eddie was next to him at the small table, where bowls of punch, alcohol, and snacks sat behind them. The woods looked beautiful- lights strung up in trees, stars in the sky above them, shining down. Blankets had been laid and pinned the ground as a dancefloor, and tables lined most of the area. Even the clubhouse beneath them was decorated, leftover party decorations and extra lights adorning the walls and beams. Eddie couldn't believe they had done this all, especially for _him._

Richie stood next to them, spiking the punch, but whipped around as soon as the song changed. The movement was abrupt and almost made Eddie knock over the table behind them.

"Jesus _shit,_ Rich-"

"Eds! It's _The Cure,_ come on we gotta dance!" Richie exclaimed, pulling the smaller boy by the arm.

"Bye, Ben!" Eddie yelled behind his shoulder, giving Ben a small wave. "Fuck Richie, can you give a guy a warning?"

"Yup, but you're clearly not a man- or, guy yet- you're a boy," Eddie hit him in the arm, and Richie winced. "Ouchie! But, you may still be a wee lad, but that doesn't mean you can't dance!"

"I didn't even hit you that hard, you big baby. And- ugh, fine." Eddie let Richie lead the way, knowing he didn't trust his own two left feet. Richie couldn't dance for shit either, but it proved to be fun enough.

"Oh Friday, I'm in love-" Richie sang, pinching Eddie's cheek and grinning at him wildly. His singing was more trying to be louder than everything else than anything, but it had Eddie in stitches nonetheless. The song gave Eddie a sense of nostalgia for _something,_ but he couldn't remember currently, as he was being spun around like a plastic top. 

Spinning and waltzing around proved to give you a pretty good view of the area, Eddie thought. From where he was, every once in a while he could see Mike and Bill, dancing a lot closer than he would have expected, corralling Stan in every once in a while too. But usually, Stan hung out by the speakers and snacks, singing softly to himself, smiling at his friend's antics contentedly. He could also see Bev and Ben in another corner, dancing and laughing as well, and Eddie could tell Ben was certainly having the time of his life with the beautiful girl in front of him. He knew everyone was having fun, and that thought made him happier than anything. They were all partying like the world was ending.

The song had changed to a slower one, a tune Eddie could only half recognize. It seemed to slow Richie down, who had substituted spinning Eddie like they were in a teacup fair ride, for putting firm hands on his waist, and swaying calmly. Eddie would be lying if he said he didn't like the sudden change though, and he rested his arms on Richie's shoulders. The slow movements gave him time to take everything in- the way the multicolored lights hit Richie's features, how they reflected off of his glasses. Eddie could see his freckles more prominently from this close-up, and still felt the age-old desire to press his lips to every one. God, he would never get over the fact that he could do that now. He loved this- scratch that, maybe, he loved _him._

"What?" Richie asked, going stiff and rigid. He had brought his hand up to his face, almost like he had been slapped, and adjusted his glasses.

"Did I say something?"

"Uh, _yeah!"_ Eddie looked at him, dumbfounded. He still couldn't recognize the song playing, but the lyrics seemed like they meant more than just a song being played just to play it. Richie seemed to feel the same. He would ask him later though. Not important now. "Y- you said that you lo-"

"Fuck! I did? I mean, it's not wrong! But uh, I didn't mean to say that yet-"

"You were going to?" 

"Why do you sound so surprised? Yeah- I mean, I _do-"_

"I love you too," Richie said, his tone softening. His hands moved to Eddie's face, and he felt himself melt under his touch. "Fuck, Eds, I really do."

Eddie was at a loss for words. The boy he _loved_ and had _loved_ for longer than he even knew, had loved him too? It shouldn't have been something he doubted, as what they did _felt_ like something that came from love, but? Eddie loved everything about him, always had since the day he had met him. He couldn't believe it.

The song had changed again, to one he had recognized. It was one of his favorites actually, a Whitney Huston.

And as their movements sped up again, as the Losers laughs and cries mixed in with _"I Wanna Dance With Somebody",_ Eddie Kaspbrak was doing just that, dancing with somebody.

Eddie Kaspbrak danced with somebody who loves him, and he just hoped it wouldn't be for the last time.


	21. Eddie Spaghetti Goes On An Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie Kaspbrak is leaving Derry, Maine- but if he tries to think about it hard enough, maybe its just the start of a new adventure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grab your tissues guys- 
> 
> its over! as of right now, i want to thank the people reading and commenting for, reading and commenting. i certainly didn't expect this to get the reception that its getting, so again, thank you!
> 
> there are many things that i would change about this story, but i hope you guys love it just as much as i do. i hope i did these boys justice as well, and maybe in time, i'll just have to talk about the rest of their story...

### Eddie Spaghetti Goes on An Adventure- August 1993

**I want to remember a world where I never left, but we never lived here.**

Eddie Kaspbrak awoke on his last morning in Derry to soft fingers carding through his hair, and tears falling on his face.

Neither were his own.

He didn't mind though, he would have never minded. He let the domesticity of the moment just sit in the air, hanging like bait on a fishing rod, waiting for something to snatch it away. For now, he laid silent and peaceful, blinking his eyes open from sleep, looking to the ceiling above him, lively with the warm, fading glow of plastic green sticky stars. He let the light cast over himself, and the boy above him, who was the brightest thing in the room. Always the brightest.

Despite his tears, Richie looked beautiful. He always had, but something about the coming and going of the day had made it more noticeable. When Eddie awoke to lavender skies, flecked with streaks of orange, the moon just starting to fade away, he would notice how Richie slept. He would count his careful breaths, and try to guess what was behind his eyes. He would take hold of his hands, always accessed easily, always feeling them around his own waist or on his cheeks, and turn them around and around, studying every line, every scar, every freckle, every bit of pink pigment on his bony fingers. And on days such as these, when Richie would awake before him, usually to a sunny, golden day unlike this, he would steal loving glances of the boy. He would look at his lips, and the smile they usually framed, and his dark eyes, no longer magnified by coke-bottle lenses. And Eddie would trace his features with his gaze, the sharp angles and lines, looking akin to a statue- a model. On these early mornings, and even now, when their faces were stained with tears, he would thank God for Richie, even though he knew the boy was too good to be God's doing. 

He would never do or think this fully awake though, he wouldn't let himself. Always showing off- hiding behind aggressive words and touches. Eddie wished he could though, he wished he could more than anything. They could only be this version of themselves in the dark, or alone, hidden away like creatures of the night. But when the streetlights came on, always more like spotlights to Eddie, it was showtime- and he needed to play a part. He needed to dance around the temptations he knew so well.

He wouldn't need to dance around it so much longer though, today, he was leaving, and he wouldn't need to carry that temptation with him.

"Hey, 'morning," Eddie said, bringing up his careful hand to wipe Richie's eyes. The other boy smiled sweetly, but the dam was already broken.

"Eds- Eddie- I can't-" He whimpered, his head thudding back against the pillow, and turning toward Eddie. He brought a hand up to Eddie's cheek, and he felt the skin underneath seer.

"You can- You're so strong, Rich. I promise I'll write and I'll call every day- it'll be like I never left." He tried to smile, but the attempt proved to be futile. It dropped quickly, and he shut his eyes tight, tears forming in the edges. He knew he wouldn't remember, Bev never did once she left. Something in him just-

"No Eds-" Richie whispered, as if that would deter the tears. He kissed Eddie's nose softly and moved his hand back to the other boy's hair. "I know you will- you'll be the best caller and writer and whatever-er, but you won't be here."

"I want to stay- I really do." Eddie tried to look at him, but all he could see was the boxes and barren space behind Richie's back. He sighed, but the sound wavered. He was right on the edge.

"I'll visit- I- I promise we'll all come up there and-"

"You'd be going down," Eddie laughed, his tongue coming from between his teeth in a grin. The action seemed to push the tears that had welled up out of his eyes, but he didn't mind. "Maine is above New York, so you'd be-"

"-Going down." Richie smiled. His voice still sounded hollow, but the grin brought some life back into it. Eddie took note. 

"Yeah," Eddie moved closer to him, untangling his arms from the blankets and wrapping them around Richie's neck. His fingers wound around the long hair at the nape of his neck, and Richie hummed in content against him.

"Stop makin' me smile, I'm not supposed to smile. I'm supposed to be sad- you're-"

"I know- but your stupid smile makes it a lot easier-"

"Eddie-bear! Get up sweetie we need to start loading the car!"

"Shit!" Richie winced, throwing the covers off of himself with haste. Eddie really tried not to look, really but-

"Stop staring, you horndog. Wait fuck where did I put my pants and shi-"

"Right here," Eddie said, handing Richie the pile of his clothes. They were right next to Eddie's side- so, easy access. The force (which was not much) of Eddie's arm extending out must have been _too_ much, as something fell to the floor with a light thud.

"What is-"

"Edward?"

Eddie sighed, rolling his eyes and yelling back. "Coming, Ma!"

His eyes averted to the ground again, only to see that whatever fell- wasn't there, but was now in Richie's grasp. The boy still stood in only boxers, clothes clenched in one hand- cassette tape in the other.

"Here- you weren't supposed to see it _yet,_ but you may as well now. I made a mix of some tunes for when you're in The Big Apple. Somethin' to remember me by-"

"Rich get some clothes on and then I'll hug you."

\------

Eddie had been leaning against the wall for what felt like years, trying to write the stupid letter.

Once he had seen the mixtape, he had known- he couldn't leave Richie empty-handed, and he knew he couldn't risk Richie eventually forgetting him. No one had spoken about Bev after she left, or the fact that their letters always went unnoticed, their calls unanswered. No one wanted to admit it- but she forgot.

And Eddie couldn't stand the thought of forgetting Richie either.

All they had been through, all they had done together, everything they shared- it was too important. Eddie long ago came to terms with the fact that he wouldn't remember Richie- though he still couldn’t bear the thought. No matter how many times he had studied the boy's face- every movement he made, every breath he took, he had known in the back of his head that soon the moments he loved so much would be as good as dust. He needed Richie to at least know he was there. Even if he didn't know everything- even if he didn't remember every time they had laughed or the way they had maneuvered themselves to fit in the tiny clubhouse hammock, he needed Richie to know he was there.

But for the life of him, Eddie Kaspbrak didn't know how to show it.

Words had seemed futile to him- just clusters of letters that couldn't come close to showing what he felt. Even in real life, he couldn't convey how he felt verbally- always silent touches, small gestures. Eddie always relied on the love shown in small things, or hoping what he felt was shown just enough to let someone know, to let _him_ know.

But now, he'd be leaving, and he'd need to use his words.

\------

So, this is it.

The car had been packed, and Sonia stayed inside, watching from the window as Eddie said goodbye.

Goodbye to his _friends._ To his _Losers._

Bill rushed to him first, practically squeezing him out of his skin. Eddie hugged back just as hard, the desire to leave their past behind him and just love Bill Denbrough stronger than anything. He felt like he was four years old again.

"Buh-bye Eds. I- I won't fuh-forget you. See ya luh-later, algator." Bill laughed, wiping his eyes quickly. Eddie noticed the way the sun hit him, how it looked like it was shining just for him. He was impossible not to see- a strong, unbreakable figure. Eddie knew him though, knew that Bill Denbrough was never really the hero he had thought him to be. He couldn't help but love him for his flaws though. He would always love him in some way or another. Maybe he wouldn't die for Bill Denbrough, like he would have done at the drop of a hat years ago, but he would certainly do anything for him.

"In a while, crocodile, I hope."

"Duh-don't hope, know. I'll see you around." Bill smiled at him, always perfect and clean and _good,_ and Eddie almost went off of the edge again.

"Stop hoggin' him, Denbrough!" Mike laughed, pushing Bill away sweetly and grabbing onto Eddie. He knew he would miss Mike more than almost anything. Mike, if not for Maggie and Went, was almost like the parent he never had. Mike Hanlon was radiant and lovely, every good word Eddie could even think of. Eddie, in that moment, wished he had gotten closer to Mike. He knew surface things, like what made Mike laugh, what music he would listen to, but he never truly, deeply knew him. He supposed he would never really _know anyone,_ but he wished he was that little bit more familiar with Mike. In another life- in another world where he never left, he would get to know Mike Hanlon, truly.

"Love you, Eddie. I'm gonna miss sneakin' you outta this joint."

"Love you too, Mikey. And, thanks for doin' it."

"I'll hand you over to Ben now, I'm sure you gotta get goin'." Mike let go of him, ruffling his hair and waving Ben over. Eddie could see Richie watching from where he was standing, wiping at his eyes fervently.

"I'm gonna miss you, Eddie. So, so much." Ben said softly, before hugging him tightly. God, would Eddie miss him too. He knew that he would miss Ben's warmth more than anything, his kindness, his understanding. Ben Hanscom was one of the best people Eddie had ever met. Really, they all were. Ben had been through so much, so much hoping, so much waiting, and never went a day being anything less than kind.

"Thank you for talking to me about- everything. I'm never gonna meet someone like you again, you're so great, Ben. Never doubt that."

"Right back at you, really." Ben stepped away, and Stan came fourth in his place, grabbing hold of him wordlessly. Stan was always so strong, Eddie had always admired that about him. He was always the voice of reason, even though he could never be the same for himself. They had shared the fact that they showed their love in small ways, always tentative. Stan Uris had always been tough to figure out, very hard-shelled, but Eddie couldn't help but love him.

"I'm gonna miss you, Eds, now I need to wrangle Richie by myself."

"I'm sure you can handle it, Stanny. You're stronger than all of us."

"I- thank you." Stan had paused, grabbing his arm and looking down. He hugged Eddie once more, quickly, before leaving him to stand alone.

Eddie couldn't have run to Richie faster.

They hugged, long and soft, as if it was the last time. Eddie couldn't help but think that it could be. 

"Here-" Eddie said tearfully, breaking himself away from the hug. He fished the letter out of his pocket and pressed it to Richie's chest. "Please, please read it later. I love you so much, Richie."

"I love you too, fuck," Richie took hold of Eddie once more, and Eddie held him right back.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Eddie repeated, voice breaking. His hands moved up and down Richie's back anxiously, refusing to let go.

"I would kiss you if I could, fuck, Eddie I really wish I could."

And Eddie had never wanted anything more.

Screw Sonia in the window, watching them with an eagle eye, and Eddie couldn't care less if the Losers saw. He separated from Richie, and brought himself right back again, kissing him like the earth was shattering around them. 

He knew he would never be sure of much, not his taste in music, or what he wanted his future to be like, or even himself. He had always been or wanted to be a million different things at a time. Always told or forced to be someone, or something. He had never felt like that with Richie, and surely didn't now. No matter what nickname he was, Eds, Eduardo, Eddie my love, even Eddie Spaghetti, he knew he was in love. He was sure of it.

And he was sure that this would just be the start of another adventure.


End file.
